We tweet, They tweet

The night before last, I randomly started a hashtag from my Twitter handle: #tweetslike. At the end of the hashtag I inserted a handle of the people on Twitter I interact with. It was originally meant to poke light fun at the tweeting styles of certain people on the popular social networking but ended up with me getting quite a lot of requests from my Twitter friends asking me to mimic them! So, I felt like someone doing a live-standup on Twitter by using my limted powers of observation to imitate Twitter users. In short, it was Twitter's equivalent of a mimicry artist doing his take on celebrities (ok, pun intended) and looking at Twitterwood through his eyes. It was one of those rare moments (aka gloat moment for me) when people loved to laugh at themselves. Ok enough introduction. Here goes the content of the timeline, with some additions and my own Twitter bios of the people I mimicked.

1. @venkatananth: The man who combines the abilities of Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar and P Chidambaram. Well, seriously I'm yet to come across a more well-read person at his age. A tweet from him would typically read as: 'Mate <insert fact which was unknown for 200 years>'.

2. @gkhamba: The tall Sardar from the Capital city whose tongue is firmly in his invisible turban and who, I'm sure, is secretly advising Manmohan Singh to win one at least one Lok Sabha before he takes the ticket to heaven. Be sure its his tweet when it reads like: 'Arindam Chowdhury/Chetan Bhagat/Uday Chopraa/Arnab Goswami visited my blog. <insert Delhi/Punjab joke>

3. @daddysan: The man from across the Vindhyas who is on a secret mission in the US of A to convince Obama to have a Maratha Manoos special operations cell in the US Army. His tweet would typically be: '<insert US state name> is a LOL factor. Oh well.'

4. @OldMonkMGM: The man will make sure Bengalis colonise the Moon, or Neptune for that matter, someday. Also, he can single-handedly take on Rajnikanth and Chuck Norris with his meme generating machines and YouTube music links. A sample tweet from him: Gahahahah. Epic! <insert CSI meme/YouTube link> and an optional Bengali word.'

5. @GabbbarSingh: Apart from reinventing Ramgarh on the interwebs, this man redefines humour like anything with his straight-face jokes and wordplay. A tweet from him would read like: You are what you are <insert stupendous wordplay>

6. @rameshsrivats: Another wordmeister who has an arsenal (Gunners take note) of reverse-scrabbled words with him. His sample tweet: 'I say we have a <insert wordplay>, no?'

7. @diogeneb: Anagram Anna is what I call him. When the Oxford dictionary disposes, he proposes with his splendid anagrams, with a tweet like: 'Sir,<insert anagram> <insert celebrity name>'

8. @bhalomanush: A member of the sporadic diaspora of the Bengalis. He is a bio scientist by day and a superhero by night, saving the interwebs from the attack of Steve Jobs and Bill Gates with his office humour and refreshing take on NRI as well as native Bengalis. Sample a tweet from him: The office sign says <insert Dilbert joke in reverse>

9. @i_r_squared: The leader of the Sambhar Shosannas in the US academic world who will make sure the Amits there will not have huge orgies with their butter chickens so easily. A tweet from him is a bit tough to decipher thought, hence '<insert joke which I am trying to figure out since the last 10 days>

10. @cgawker: Had it not been fro him, I would have never known what (or watt) a 'bulb' is. Again, he is a master of cryptic tweets, like '<insert joke which I may figure out before I die>

11. @krishashok: Master of binary and non-binary satire, an example of his Twitter updates: 'Here I am <insert witty jetlagged comment> checking out the work <insert an entity to bash>'

12. @abhishekmadan: Another wordplay genius who can write his own thesis, with tweets like 'They are a bunch of <insert splendid wordplay>'

13. @Unnamedentity: He is determined to spell English as Hsilgne or so I think. Hence, a tweet from him: 'Funda! <insert his own Yodaspeak/Esperanto>'

14. @WoMod: A chirpy and bubbly woman who never fails to enjoy every moment of life. Sample a tweet from her: '<insert fun philosophy> <insert emoticon>'

15. @DevilOnBunk: One of my Twitter gangmates from whom even a slap will feel good, well yeah. When he is missing on the timeline, the world of the 140 looks so weird. A typical tweet from him: 'Abeyaar/Bhug <insert another cuss word>

16. @hautesaiff: An ace photographer and a very 'haute' person indeed. A tweet from him: 'Yeh kya ho raha hai? LOL'

17. @Desdemona14: Madam D, who does not seem to get a shut eye unless a fail whale strikes Twitter. Also a good friend online. She loves to say: Kya hai? Ha ha ha #drama'

18. @ImpsMom: Another one of my earliest Twitter friends and the mother of a lovely Imp. As soon as you read 'Hiya how's you?' be sure its her tweet.

19. @ikaveri: Nothing less than the Superwoman of Twitter, who loves to tweet like: '*fooooooooooooop* <insert Twitpic in next tweet> *pooooooooooof*'

20. @Jhunjhunwala: The richest man in the universe indeed, who never fails to say '3...2...1 out'

21. @bitchwanti: Queen Yoda, who never misses a moment to tickle your irritation nerve with tweets like 'Anger shall ensue, BURN!'

22. @oneblackcoffee:Cellphone cannot be cellphones unless she tells you so. also, it would be not odd to see a tweet from her like: 'Clearly ,insert rant about weaher/work> Meh :|'

23. @ScarletOhHara: I never knew Nemi existed until I met her on Twitter, since she is blessed with the power of baking a cake ina washing machine. also, you will be certain it is her tweet when it reads like: 'Did you see what happened in the <insert crappy TV show name>?'

24. @raggedtag: Arundhati Roy, beware of her as she would ove to say: 'What about India? <insert link to article in high-profile journal>'

25. @dharmeshG: He has three reservoirs on his body to store the following: beer, beer and beer, apart from movies and Tv shows. Make no mistake that it his tweet when it reads: Epic <insert YouTube link> must watch trailer'

26. @69fubar: Geniuses are in varied forms, like this man - who can actually (yes) solve a Rubik;s Cube blindfolded. Also, he would typically say: "I aintno shit tweet I aint no retweet.'

27. @punkster101: A natural charmer this young man, with his lovable tweets like: '<insert tremendous philosophy> Gah'

28. @SiddharthPatel:A true social media junky, connects with Twittterati at ease. So, his tweet would be: '36 greatest tharkis of the world <insert Twitter celen handle> RT'

29. @PsychoMaan: The wonderful young photographer that he is, at his age I did not even know what an SLr camera was. his tweet: 'Crooked Smile <insert link to photo> <insert 101 handle>

30. @OyeMaria: The self-proclaimed male basher who never fails to entertain as well. So a typical tweet from her <insert male bashing joke> !!!'

31. @mehrzee: The queen of perky tweets, loves to post 'Goti <insert perky tweet>'

32. @Decloned_Taz: God decided to give her me a telepathic connect of headaches, so I would not blame the poor thing when she says: I will @TheHumerus for giving me a headache'

33. @preetidhingra: The self-confessed hot Punjabi who loves her music and vodka, and keeps on asking: 'What would you sing for your friend's birthday? suggestions welcome'

34. @ConfuseusSay: Loves his music also, as well as hi hookahs also: 'Hookah has been had. Bliss.'

35. @TorqueAddict: Who says a can of beer does not have its own algorithm? Ask Him, and he would tell you: 'Drunk I am, not'

36. @SparklingGuy: This entrepreneur from Sadi Dilli creates magic on his website and then says: :We have created an infographic. RT and share link please. Thanks'

37. @ruhiseth: A fellow citizen of the City of Joy, she makes us smile with her dotted line tweets: '......DP changed....'

38. @blackrosegal: Another adorable fellow citizen of the City of Joy, makes me smile with her randomness: 'I'm playing Hitman. aaaaa'

39. @abhijitdg: Ace journalist and someone who has been kicking the bottle and the stick since the British left India, his straight face sense of humour never fails to amaze me: 'I'm bored. Entertain me, please'

40. @Ipsita_Shome: Ban-ki Moon who? Make this lady the in-charge at UN I say. No wonder you would find her saying: 'And oh before I retire with my book <insert link to bomb blast in Uzbekistan> shalom'

41. @Nishad_M: My Marathi teacher and a genuine human being in every sense of the term. Loves to say: 'Hello friends, getting ready for work'

42. @isanzc: A master of wordplay in the Bengali language: '<insert Bengali wordplay> LOL!!'

43. @ShwetaKapur: A bright young journalist who brings random smiles with her <insert tremendously random statement> tweets

I could go on and on, but I know that while reading this, you have kept your work (even if its tying the left shoelace) for too long. And besides, this list has 43 names. Think about it (ok?)

If you think this was an indirect to pimp certain Twitter handles, my third purpose would have been served (the other two I'm still trying to figure out of course).

(PS: Names are not in any order of preference)

The Big Dabangg Theory

A few days ago, a great man known as Stephen Hawking said: 'God did not create the Universe.' All media, and more so social media, was quick to pick it up, though overall many might have been saying secretly: 'Dude, what's so new about that?'. Well, that statement, like many others made by other great men and women only drives the home the point, its not the words that matter, its their source which does.



This week, many fans of the man with the Black Buck-belt, Salman Khan, (to be addressed affectionately as Sir Chulbul Pandey for the time being) flocked to movie theatres to catch his antics in Dabangg. The amount of hype and attention surrounding this movie was not so much that a certain lady whose father could blow off villains with his 'Khamosh!' was making her debut, but for the fact that this movie apparently reinforces the fact stated in the above paragraph, if you go by the  dialogue: 'Tum mein itne chhed karenge, ke saans loge kahin se aur paadoge kahin se.' I confess to not watching the movie, so I may have faltered with the words a bit, and neither is what you are going to read further a review or an attempt to use the movie as a benchmark to state a high or low-brow theory. But going by the response of social media users, I feel obliged to state The Big Dabangg Theory, more in terms of a general perception on entertainment and life in general.

According to The Big Dabangg Theory, the universe is perenially in a very hot and dense state of intellectual masturbation, but tends to cool down at times with humorous farts (yes as physics defying as it may sound). With the brief men/women-o-pauses, the universe continues to expand. But the twist in the tale is that these tiny farts stimulate in the expansion, which enables the intellectual masturbation to go on smoothly. Who are the ones who lead the charge of the intellectual nymphomaniacs? Opinions could vary from Arundhati Roy to Naomi Klein, but since it's the humorous farts which contribute more to the uninterrupted flow of the mental coitus, it's these personalities/entities who matter a lot. A few who prove this postulate correct are as follows (you are free to contribute more to the list or create your own):

1. Govinda: Be it his kitschy costumes or zany dance moves - this man will manage a laugh out of even a Angela Merkel at a crisis summit. And needless to say, slapstick humour as we know it can trace some of its bilogical fatherhood to him.



2. Rakhi Sawant: Again, mindlessness as we know in the cyber silicone age, is a big offshoot of her acts. In fact, do not be surprised Ms Sawant claims to be the bastard child of Stephen Hawking one day. PS: some newspapers/TV channels are already waiting for such a moment.



3. Robert Pattinson: Why him? Well, not due to the fact that he can wait for 117 years to romance a high school girl, but he (or Edward Cullen rather) reinforces the fact there is some justification in having products like Fair & Handsome in the market (though I may hear you smorting in disapproval).



4. Lady GaGa: Mark my words: she will design the spacesuit of the future



5. Bill Gates & Steve Jobs: The reason why these two come at bottom is that they have been a part of an intellectual orgasm of a different kind: freedom to think out of the Windows and the ability to make you and me, and just i, a part of the tech universe. Their actions have stimulated this in a reverse manner, of course (lest a debate on on coding starts here).

What was I thinking while writing this? Well, mostly nothing, as most people who have seen Dabangg have felt. But like my earlier blog posts, the message is the same this time: laughter makes the world go round (if it did make you laugh that is). Think when you have to, and have fun because you need to - something which is, 'fascinating' in the words of Dr Sheldon Cooper.

Social Networking Lingo - An Alternative Look

Ever wondered what the acronyms like IMHO or ROFL floating around on social networks really mean? Well, not that you need to. But with repeated usage, these terms have now come to have their own connotation, with the way every user or a group of users on Twitter or Facebook act when keying in these acronyms. So, maybe we could have our expansions of some of the most popular shorthands on social networks. And, a sampler could look like this:

1. LOL:  Lay, Orkutiya Lay - given the hatred meted out to the so-called Orkutiyas or Orkut lovers who stalk people for 'fraandship', well this is the end to their motive, isn't it?

2. ROFL: Round Off the Frigging Losers - there are many of these 'influencers' on social networks who act as the sentinel of the gates as well. When they bash up an attention-seeker or a trouble-maker, this could surely be a used as a marker.

3.LMAO: Learning Martial Arts Online - everyday in life is a learning experience, so why not every moment of your social networking be a learning experience too? Especially, since martial arts is one of the best survival tactics known to man.

4. KLPD: Kill Landa, Punish Dunga - one is a villain in reel life, the other in real. So, again a bash-up tactic

5. KVLT: Knowledge Voltage, Low Transmission - heavy duty knowledge getting diluted

6. IMHO: Inner Meditation Hose Opening - when the 'spiritual' and 'life-changing' quotes are on an overdrive.

7. ATM: And That's Me - simple answer to repetitive questions on your online/offline persona

8. TWSS: Tender Words, Short Sentences - say good things by using less space on the screen

9. BRB: Boss Right Behind - can be used when in danger

10. PMS: Post Mobile Syndrome - what you suffer from when you are forced to lead an existence without your mobile phone.

As random as the above expansions may sound, remember: there is no bigger order than chaos.

The Rajneeti of Twitter

Rajneeti - a movie that talks about Indian politics in true Mahabharat fashion - the 'neeti' (conduct) of Rajneeti (politics) can be such an oxymoron.

With a star cast that straddles the world of 'mainstream' as well as 'arthouse' cinema, this tale told by Prakash Jha may have done more than its bit to put on more than one thinking cap. As the great man Aristotle (for me at least as I had to labour over his theories in college) once said: 'Man is a political animal', so politics is everywhere - even on that hugely popular thing called Twitter.

So, let's have a look at politics on Twitter. Besides, I don't have the right to bore you with yet another 'review'. So let's take another ride down the 140 (yes I want you to silly).

1. Follow Friday (#FF) - this is on top of the list because of nothing else but the day of posting this update. But well - the whole #FF rigmarole can be so much intriguing if you look at it that way - so much ego massaging so that you can probably rake up your 10,000 followers in a day - just like a wannabe neta is ready to take off his dhoti for a poll ticket.

2. Retweet (RT) - tweet, tweet and retweet - to most its passing on information with your own opinion added at times. But, its also a veritable tool for negative propaganda and humiliation - though the content can determine this a lot. So, when you simply hit the retweet button when someone throws an egg in your face, your followers return the favour - ahh the sweet revenge you derive then! Just like pro and anti Maoist ideologues having fun on news channels while Kishenji & Mamata Banerjee sit back & watch the fun.

3. Ranting on Twitter - this is one of the most interesting features. This always makes you look like you are talking to yourself, but the effect is the exact opposite. So, your followers offer you advice or sympathy, depending on the situation. Just like the Shakunis would to their Duryodhanas. (Nothing to say that giving advice is wrong - this is said in jest only)

4. Block - this is fairly simple but has a lasting effect, just like putting a political dynasty out of business.

Now that you have come to the end of this post, I sense a deep feeling in you to run after me with your footwear. So I can only make it up by saying: tweet to your heart's content and don't let the fail whales bother you! Normal, as always, is boring for me at least.

Five Ways Social Networking Can Make You Unsocial

Love being a Twitterati, don't you? Also, keep checking every minute on who has 'liked' or posted some smart comment on that party snap of yours in Facebook? Well, the good news is: you are a celebrity in the virtual networking sphere. The bad news: your reallity rating points (RRPs) are going down abysmally, here's how:

1. Speak the TW language: tweet so much that you prefix 'tw' to anything and everything that you do - you have your tweakfast, you drive to twork and then come back twome. And you start resembling a distant cousin of Jadoo of Koi Mila Gaya fame.

2. Tweet about whatever you do: urban legend has it that a good soul had programmed his bed to tweet about whatever he was doing to his dearest wife. Well, that may be some way off but then, when SRK tweets from his shower, you also want to do so - just that you forgot to notice the water in your shower ran out whilst thou were tweeting.

3. Sticky fingers on the laptop/iPhone/BlackBerry - those who thought QWERTY was an ice-cream flavour a while back are now adept at hoptyping their way to virtual stardom. Well, only that they forget real life is not always WYISWYG (what you see is what you get)

4. Honey, I got so drunk last night - really? Yes, your boss saw those vodka vein pictures on Facebook too - and now...

5. Highly likely - this does not do much damage, save that you end up 'liking' Osama & Obama on Facebook at the same time

Disclaimer: this post may only look like the warning on cigarette packets. But hey, social networking is not an evil after all - the author of this post being a firm believer in this statement. Neither do these words prove the author is not guilty of any of the sins above - so consider this as loud thinking and nothing else!

Five Ways To Have More Fun On Twitter

Tweet, tweet - you tweet, I tweet, SRT tweet & SRK tweet. Never thought 140 characters could change the world around you? Or you still don't think so? Well, here is an attempt to make Twitter change the world (well, yeah, almost)

1. Don't name each and every update a 'tweet' - well, tweets can unsetlle so many crowns as we have seen. So, when an update does not sound so pleasant, why call it a 'tweet'. So, Messrs Stone, Williams & Dorsey - why not start naming those potentially explosive updates as 'breaking tweet' or 'kaboom tweet' maybe??

2. Have music with the emoticons & #nowplaying hashtags - the use of emoticons has really exploded with the advent of  Twitter (barring IM clients of course) - you need to say so much in so l:/ttl:e). So, why not add some ringtone/caller tune style notes to make you feel Twitter can also gel with the real world. Also, since #nowplaying remains one of the top trending topics at any moment of the day/night, why not have a music search engine sensor (or a blip.fm add-on) to play a preview of that clip for your followers to enjoy the music and not dance to it in their imaginations only?

3. Have the celebs linked to Promoted Tweets - celebs sell themselves in virtual world, so why not have their real-life endorsements on Twitter via Promoted Tweets as well. So, maybe a grinning MSD egging you to be 'dillogical' with Lays chips or SRK giving you the summer chiller tips with Navratna cool talc. Would make more sense and give us some real entertainment than their bed & breakfast tweets, no?

4. Have a Twitter Esperanto - with every social network comes its own language code. For Twitter, it has not been any different - only that the 140 game has given it a twist, what with the #GGs. So, with this melting pot in place, why not try and have an Esperanto for Twitter too? Whr u cn sy nthng u wnt 2 IMH

5. Have a Twitter sanctuary - whales are endangered creatures (though I can't give an exact count of how many are left, unlike tigers). So, please act reponsibly Twitter - don't let them loose to fill in the show when your servers go down. Believe in CSR - have Twitter sanctuary for the fail whales. The downtime message should then look like this: 'We are working on the issue, in the meantime, why don't you take a tour around our sanctuary and visit the whales we are breeding?'

If you have endured all the five points, then congratualtions - you (like your truly) - do believe that Twitter can change the world, truly!

How to be an Indian hunk within Rs 500

Still waiting for that college PYT to for the movie show? Or, haven't mustered enough courage to even say hi to the office chick? And the that 'hunk' stealing all your would-be thunder right under your nose? Well, is it because he is the resident room freshener, drives that SUV and has a swagger that will put even George Clooney to shame? Well, you have not lost your chances yet. Here's a quick guide to how you can be an Indian with your pocket being pinched for less than Rs 500:

1. Axe/Set Wet Deoderant: topmost on the list because this will have women/girls/ladies of all shapes and sizes running towards you - Rs 160

2. Emami Fair & Handsome - all the 'cute' ones will treat you like their male alter ego - Rs 5 (chhota pack)

3. Dollar Club underwear you can fight the bad guys even with your eyes closed - Rs 150

4. Close-up toothpaste - you can keep laughing with your lady without embarrassment - Rs 50

5. Start motivating yourself by calling yourself on the phone - does not require money but some imagination - and say this to yourself at least a dozen times - "I'm not a loser"

6. With the change, treat your lady to streetfood and sit together on the river/seafront - this is a tried and tested formula

I added the last point since it's not so bad to have that experience after all, even if your means to that end differ.

(Prices are as accurate as possible)