The Beauty of Stupidity

Last night, like most other nights, the chemicals in my brain started acting up again. I lay on the bed, trying to sleep - which was obviously playing a sophisticated version of hide and seek with me. Hence, last night, like most other nights, I went back to my virtual playground, known to 99.79% of the world as Twitter. And there you were - most of my virtually real friends, going about their activities. I sent out a whimper - hey guys, please say something to cheer me up! And there you were - saying a thousand little things to carve an ':)' on my avatar. From blue unicorns to unread books, from baskets of smiles to non-boring people and existent Sundays, the responses were varied and many. And, they worked.

That sounds pretty straightforward, does it not? Well, why I would still want to waste online space over such Twitter moments is simply because I have never given a thought to this fact: there is a beauty to stupidity, a power like no other. Let me point out that that this is in no way intended to demean the cognitive capabilities of my Twitter friends. The reason why I say so is this: none of the tweets intended to cheer me up were trying to sermonise in any way. All that my virtually real friends were trying to do is this: spin their own little magic tricks to make me smile, to make me forget that there were errant chemicals in my brain, or in much simpler words, to make me happy.

And of course, it is not the first time this has happened. And this is obviously not the first blogpost that is trying to talk about the bonds that are formed over social networks. But, it is more about the nature of those bonds. It's like one of those movies with copious amounts of slapstick humour, or an orange lolly, or a baby with its toothless and chocolate-smeared-on-the-cheeks grin. It need not have a meaning to it - but it makes you happy, does it not? It may not make you ponder over the greater truth that is life but it gives you a reason to live, does it not?

Those of you from Twitter who know me (in real or virtual life) and are reading this, surely know I am referring to your handles in this post. Which is why, I am not naming you here. Pardon my use of the word 'stupidity' again, but all I can say is: thank you friends, for the good words last night, like most other nights.

Close Your Eyes

Before I officially start this post, let me tell you that I need a small applause - because I am resuming blogging after seven months! And those of you who have visited my Wordpress blog earlier, will see that all the content from there has been moved to this blog. Again, technically this was my first blog but hey, let the prodigal return, right? So here goes (well)

Humour has many forms - online as well as offline - and the most common of them being <insert a very high falutin word>. (come on, you really didn't expect me to be an analyst now?) But yes, the strangest, or as some would say, darkest thing about humour is its ability to thrive in the gloomiest of situations. The jokes floating around on Twitter at any given point of time are an example of that. There again, the ability of a nondescript entity to establish its presence in a very hilarious fashion. Take the example of the blogpost that became a rage on social media yesterday - Open Letter to a Delhi Boy. Otherwise a post composed in rather appalling English, it went viral through Twitter, and a majority of the people talking about it were not even aware that its author actually has a Twitter account - @Brokenmorning. From barely a hundred, her follower count stands at 400+ at the moment - all in a day. And it was beautifully summed up by the person in question, thus, in this tweet. She had no clue what a trending topic meant! In other words, she was unaware of her 24 hours of fame (positive or negative).

It could have been a coincidence that yesterday itself I was watching a certain Charlie Chaplin movie called A King in New York. One of his lesser known films but a brilliant social satire, it talks of a deposed European monarch who becomes a media sensation - all due to his acting skills captured on a hidden camera (long before the days of sting operations). The king considers selling toothpaste and whisky rather below his dignity at first, but gives in with his dire financial straits. The situation may not have been too similar with the one discussed in the previous paragraph, but one thing is surely common: accidental fame, ladies and gentlemen.

The Afghan girl on the cover of National Geographic may have never had a clue that she would become an icon for photographers, or the individual standing in front of the battle tank at Tiananmen may have never guessed he would become a symbol for resilience. For all that you know, these people may have just been carrying on with their normal lives till someone decided to make them famous.

Let me admit that I was inspired to resume blogging by someone who may have raked up a controversy by mistake with her below average vocabulary. Yes, we are looking for our nano seconds of fame. But as they say, at times, we do need to close our eyes for a while to realise, if this fame is accidental, or shaped like a Gandhi/Anna cap struggling to find its place under the arclights.

And yes, I am not getting paid by anyone after writing all this and indirectly showering attention on random blog writers and insanely famous comedians. 

How to be a Reality Show Contestant

There are reality shows, and there are 'oh really?' shows. Whether it is IPL, India TV or Big Boss, the TRP meters of channels go on mass orgies while we all relish it on our Tata Sky HDs and Samsung LEDs. Also, the participants of the 'oh really?' shows rake in the moolah as well as the er, muaah. Ever wondered what are the qualities that really set these people apart from us mere mortals? Well, here are some parameters that may act critical in putting that reality show contestant tag on someone.

1. Make promises to go nude in public, and make sure it's during a sporting event, preferably the World Cup.  That way, you can also be more talked about in social media rather than tentacled creatures, and also have no slip between the cup (the non-crockery variety) and the lip.

2. Have a mouth that is fouler than thou, and make sure you have the right body dimensions like a certain Ms Bindra to ensure you make the right kind of noises, literally.

3. Have a glowing criminal record, you could be a two-penny thief or a multi-crore scamster, but you should have the ability to go on a hunger strike against honesty, if required.

4. Be a gangster's or a foreign cricketer's girlfriend, and if you are a foreign national yourself, you are assured of a promising career in Bollywood as well.

5. Be a wife beater, and have the ability to act like a perpetual fit for rehab candidate when the camera focuses on you.

6. Be from North India, preferably from Punjab, or more preferably from Chandigarh. Thus, the butter chicken and Scotch whisky in your veins can withstand fire-breathing bald judges.

7. Be an aspiring model (mostly applies for the fairer sex), and have the ability to slap your fellow contestants at will, and have extended cat-fights, if necessary.

8. Be the winner/runners-up of another reality show - guarantees you double fame, doesn't it?

9. Be the relative of a filmstar, and make sure the actor who you are a relative of is now unknown himself/herself as well.

10. Be a lover who's been cheated upon and is ready to take the pants off the ex in public view (if not any of the above, this will definitely grab you some eyeballs).

As new seasons of more reality shows and cricket matches with pom-pom girls, there may be many more additions to the list.

Indian Procrastinators' League

The IPL is back, and so is the enthusiasm, the euphoria, the hysteria...and possibly many other adjectives that I was trying to look up in the dictionary while writing this post. But then, I'm sure coming up with heavy words is just another diversionary tactic that we, er, proud Indians are so good at. In slightly more than 24 hours from now, a 'cricket extravaganza' will kick off with Punjabi mundas cheering for teams originating from land of Marxist machhlis, and so on. In the midst of this, you, me and a lot of others have raised a concern (and quite rightly at that) that Anna Hazare's fast will be headbutted out of the media headlines. Or, if you and me want it to be that way.

Corruption is a byword - a byword for larger things that have encompass our daily lives - that being 'right' is the new 'wrong'. 'It's not right to do things the right way,', 'It doesn't matter what they think'. What is the right and what is wrong? Who are they? These are questions that may be beyond the scope of any blog, book, discussion paper or seminar. The IPL, like the CWG and 2G grafts, was another symbol of 'Shining India' (sic). Players being auctioned off to the highest bidders, as if they are coal mines or storage infrastructure for a telecom service provider. We have scorned at it, we have made fun of it. Yet, we may or may not have noticed a strange irony that lies in this particular phenomenon. The auction - it's not just the players out there, it's happened to each one of us, day by day, week by week, month by month. We have auctioned off our souls - to the traffic sergeant for making the signal-jump look like a clean act, to the municipal inspector for making the 'jugaad' of owning two houses and paying taxes for one a perfect example of our 'smartness'.

Yes, corruption in the country may be like the proverbial chicken and egg - does it thrive because we let it or are we too helpless to do anything about it? But, from a cynic's point of view (which this blog writer may be accused of) - the bias may be towards the former. Isn't there a saying that corruption is like cancer? And cancer survivors know only too well the benefits of early detection and cure.

Many a times, it's been said that 'giving up food is the coolest way to get work done.' Putting the overt sarcasm in this statement aside, if that had been the case, how would the McDonald's and Domino's of the world do business in India? Any and every MNC who sets foot on our soil is baffled, and also happy, at the sheer volume of business that this land offers. And, this is also the land where 'it's difficult to get any work done.'

Anna Hazare's move may or may not be symbolic. But, it's clearly about taking a stand. It's about doing the bizarre to treat the weird. Be it sleazy politicians or cricket administrators, remember - they are a construct of the same 'society' you and me inhabit. Yes, today they may be occupying pedestals so high that we find it difficult to reach out to them. Again, like 'we don't vote', so we don't want to reach out. Like a legend called Michael Jackson once sang: "Some things in life we just don't want to see.....all I want to say is that they don't really care about us." For us, the situation is: "We don't care about us." We are the Indian Procrastinators' League, which even I'm a part of (otherwise this blogpost would not have existed!). Yes, I'm ranting and showing off my angst in so many words. But, in the process of reading this, I'm sure you are being the change you want to see. Yes, I believe that all of us will go beyond words to wipe out the tolerance for evil. Yes, hope is the sturdiest of ropes

What's Not In A Name?

What's in a name? Thus spake the Shakesperean heroine Juliet. Well, if you ask me, what's not in a name? If you simply take a look at the user names of the millions of Twitter users, a plethora of creativity rests right there. Hence, I decided to explore the world of wordplay through mashups of the handles of a few Twitter users who I interact with regularly or irregularly?

1. This Entity was Unnamed so he went to a Field where he did not find any

Name again. So he said:'Lovely! Its Unfair!' (@UnnamedEntity, @NameFieldEmpty & @unfairandlovely)

2. The Rag had no Tag, so she followed the Trail of Saffron, until it turned Scarlet & Hara Bhara (@raggedtag, @saffrontrail & @ScarletOhHara)

3. Until Desdemona found her Othello, she thought of going on a trip. So she called out to her friend: 'Oye Maria! Want to come along? (@Desdemona14 & @OyeMaria)

4. The Khargosh was Gora, until he met the Sherni (@gora_khargosh & @Sherni)

5. What Confuseus Say is profound, K Rahul? (@ConfuseusSay & @RahulK18)

6. She was Wandering like a Nomad on the Hiway (@NomadWanderer & @hiway)

7. She wanted to act like a Dedh Shaani, so she collaborated with Dram-e-Baaz (@DedhShaani & @dram_e_baaz)

8. You Doofus! Don't do Nautanki. The Big Dowg is watching you (@doofus_, @nautanki & @TheBigDowg, though the first person has deactivated his Twitter account)

9. The Kid wanted a Softy. Hence he went Singing to Kyra for a treat (@softykid & @kyrasinging2)

10. The Nazi wanted his Coffee. And he also had a Dua for Jaspreet (@thecoffeenazi & @JaspreetDua)

11. The Witch of Words was looking for an Esc(ape) out of the 12-hour drudgery (@Word_Witch & @EscF12)

12. Neha! Dive Kar!, said the Maniac with the Mitter (@NehaDivekar & @Mittermaniac)

13. Anee! I want another Item on my menu, the one with the Bunee, yes (@Item_  & @AneeBunee)

14. There can't be any Lapses that are Literary. Plus, it's only a Merc we are talking about (@LiteraryLapses & @mercplus)

15. The Nayak is Girinining. And even Gopal can't ask him to Chuck it (@nayakgirin & @chuck_gopal)

16. The Polka Dots have the Punk, with the Phulka (@punkpolkadots & @phulkadots)

17. Dharmesh Jee (G), B good to Shaheen (@dharmeshg & @Shaheenb)

18. Aye Kaveri! Get me some Lime with Ice (@ikaveri & @LimeIce)

19. Fu! Let's go to the Bar and order a Vat 69, said Punkster for the 101th time (69fubar & @punkster101)

20. Probably he's Trippy, but Panic ko usne kab ka Tyag diya (@probablytrippy & @panictyagi - a very sweet couple, ok I added this to clarify that this mashup is just in good humour!)

21. Maan, are you Psycho? No? Then go Nab the Eel with the N (@PsychoMaan & @NabeelN)

22. Ash is Winning, K Gopal? But Saiff is Haute (@ashwinkgopal & @hautesaiff)

23. She's the MD of our company. And her car number plate has 610. But Bee I Noo Y? (@md610 & @beeyaoonoohwhy)

24. Neo! Have you seen Aaragorn? No sir, I only saw this Supra-fast Mario (@NeoAaragorn & @SupraMario)

25. Mujhe Venkat ko dekh kar Ananth ki yaad gayi, said Ramesh to Srivats (@venkatananth & @rameshsrivats)

26. Arrey Takloo! Man I Want a Bitch (@taklooman & @bitchwanti)

27. Tu toh Baavri hogi, but Eshaan Rocks :) (@baavri & @eshaanrocks)

28. The Princess is Defiant. But the Insomniac is Mad (@defiantprincess & @madinsomniac)

29. The Maniac aint Hollow, said Dhruv to Ster up things (@Hollowmaniac & @dhruvster)

30. The Indian is Rofling so much that after acidity O! he wants some Diogene now! (@Roflindian & @diogeneb)

31. Ashok, Krish is Squaring it up with R already, I know (@krishashok & @i_r_squared)

32. Adda ho toh Aantel Nair jaisa, said PB (@aanteladda & @PBNair)

33. I'm Sabbah. So what? I'm Kapur, said Shweta (@imsabbah & @ShwetaKapur)

34. She Suddenly saw Twilight, with the Fairy dancing away (@suddentwilight & @twilightfairy)

35. Oh G, I am the Rojo with the Mojo. So don't call me a Khamba (@gkhamba & @mojorojo)

36. I don't have Efin Time to Live, and that aint a Pun, Vati (@livetimefe & @punvati)

37. To B or not to B, 50 times? (@b50)

38. Mere Karan aur Arora aayenge, inspite of the autocratic Regime of the Kapo (@KaranArora & @Kapo_Regime)

39. She's Crazy about the Shutter, said Nik with the Ster-eo (@ShutterCrazy & @nikster)

40. Kuch Bhi Candi? Nam badalti rehti hai (@Kuch_Bhi and her earlier handle @candinam)

41. San-s Daddy, there can't be a sun Tan-tan on the beach, Noo? (@daddy_san & @tantanoo)

42. So Nel, no Nniums for you? (@nelsonnium)

43. She's the Chick who knows Raap music, said Tany as she told he Tales (@RaapChick & @tanytales)

44. Thea! Long live the Ale! Don't forget to Splurge on the Star though, she said for the 7th time (@Aletheaf & @splurgestar7)

45. Aa! I saw a Kanga-Roo four times! (@aaroo4)

46. This is a Mad uni-Versity! No Gabbar, this is Singh-sesational (@madversity & @GabbbarSingh)

47. Mom! See what an Imp she is! And so are you, Nimue (@ImpsMom & @nimue_)

48. Rafael Nad-al went Mad (@mad_nad)

49. C Priyanka, you have seen the iPhone 19 times. But its still Fresh (@priyankac19 & @iphonefresh)

50. Tharo naam Sunaina hai K? Haan ji, I can take Kriti-cis-M (@sunainak & @Kritism)

51. Roy, you have committed no Cin, said the L-shaped Priya (@RoycinD & @priyal)

52. Arrey Mihir, please play the Bijuriya song, Sulbha told him (@MihirBijur & @SulbhaArora - a couple who met on Twitter and are set to tie the knot soon)

53. Satan! Have you seen Bhagat? No saar, he's giving some Illegal Briefs (@SatanBhagat & @IllegalBriefs - what he was known as a for a while)

54. So it's a Comic Project, but for that you have to Fly! You Fools! (@thecomicproject & @Flyyoufools)

55. What's for Sup-per, MM? (@SupMM)

56. A Traveller was looking for a map, so she went to the Kartographer (@a_traveller & @krtgrphr)

All this was done in good humour only and not to make fun of people in a sarcastic fashion. Also, I may not be following a couple of the users mentioned but their mentions have appeared a lot on my timeline, hence the liberty :)

I met you only once, but it seemed I knew you since ages...

As I sit and write this, strains of the popular song 'Roop Tera Mastana' from the 1960s movie 'Aradhana' waft from the neighbouring computer. I remember you. The man who composed the music for this song - Sachin Dev Burman - may not be so relevant in this context, but it is the man who assisted Sachin 'karta' - his son Rahul aka Pancham - whose name springs to my mind. You were a diehard fan of Pancham. You had the careerspan of Pancham on your fingertips. You simple swore by his music. There was never a dull moment for you when his compositions used to play, or so you told us.

I met you in person only once - part of a huge crowd which had gathered to seek your 'darshan' at the popular Park Street cafe Flurys. It was crowded as usual for a weekend, but you had asked me to arrange for a table. But the moment I mentioned your name to the staff there, they got about arranging for a table. As you came and asked me: 'kemon achish?', it seemed I was talking to the doting uncle who was asking for his nephew. That was the first and last time I met you. And that was more than another evening for me, as I recall it now.

I have been a moody and disobedient child. I find it difficult to take orders. Which is what got me into an argument someone much older than me on Twitter (which is where I 'met' you for the first time). The person told me not to say things online which did not suit her sensibilities. I retorted that no one owns the online forum. Which is where, you stepped in and told me: 'If I told you to stop, would you disobey me?' I don't know how, but I instantly stopped. And the day next, I apologised to the person, which is when you patted my back by saying: 'Yes son, you have grown up'. And that's how, you became a father-figure for me, like so many of my friends on Twitter.

As I sit and write this, fighting back my tears, coming to terms with the fact that I will never be able to hear those words of encouragment from you, I know that you will rebuke me if I break down. Korbo, lorbo, jeetbo - those three words are ringing in my ears. There were these moments as well, when I let my angst out on Twitter and told you how I'm unable to cope with my working hours, and how you told me: 'When my back is against the wall, I demolish it....and don't give up so soon.' Yes, I will follow those words to the core.

You were a Ladies' Man on Twitter. But there was never a moment when one could pointer a finger at you and say you were being cheap. You had that innate ability, that flair to turn the smallest of conversations online into a colourful discussion, without making it an argument that would end up spewing hatred all around.

There are people I know, online and offline, who have known and interacted with you much more than I have. Maybe I don't deserve to write this post at all, because I started following you on Twitter much later than our common friends there. But then, I could not stop myself, as I remember your last words to me just a couple of days before: 'Now you know what Calcutta means to me?'

Yes, now I know what the world and the people around you meant to you. You were, are and will remain the Emperor of our hearts Abhijit Da.

Walking Down The Aisle, Literally

Workplace romance may not be a very new concept exactly. But, there are times when the couples concerned start taking it too literally. In such cases, the events that follow give you some much needed break from the heartburn that you nurse after blowing up that humongous amount of money on flop movie in the nearest multiplex. Consider the example of an airhostess getting married to a pilot as an example. How would the chants of the officiating priest sound? Maybe something like this:

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome aboard Knotical Mile Airways, Flight 42+69. Today we are here to celebrate the happy union of Long Legs with Ray-Ban Eyes. Please follow the instructions carefully as I, Jet Lageshwar, lead you through this happy occasion. We will be covering the distance in approximately ten days, 62 hours. There are NO exits in the aircraft if we encounter turbulence. For the bride, there are special masks called Retail Therapy fitted above the seats, which drop down if the groom starts eyeing the other airhostesses with more precision. The groom would be requested to help the bride wear her mask instead of him giving it futile, mid-air trials. At the back of every seat, there is a booklet on surviving disasters like 125 decibel shouts at 5am - I request the groom to go through it carefully.

We will be providing you with refreshments on board free of cost, but we will expect you to return the favour with at least a kilo of onions and fake gold jewellery. Please feel free to use your mobile phones even when the aircraft is taking off or landing, but make sure your conversation is about the latest car or at least the Scotch whiskey bottle that you gave for dowry at the wedding of your child. Or, if your boy or girl has reached marriageable age but is yet to find a suitable match, feel free to send me the profile at jet.lageshwar@tharkimatrimony.com. I will be happy to help at the best rates on offer in the market.

Here's Jet Lageshwar wishing the couple and everyone else on board a very happy journey.