Not A Mirage

H did not have a clue when the call or chat conversation had ended (like most other things in his life). But he realised well in time that he had overslept and missed breakfast. Since his work hours were not the usual 9-5 routine, his parents normally left for their daily grind by the time he got up. But, today was an exception. On emerging from his room around 12, he noticed a sticky note at the dining table from his mother: ‘Don’t forget to have your lunch, and heat it before you eat.’ Like most mere mortals of his ilk, H did suffer from forgetfulness. But till now, it had been merely occasional and limited to a few bouts here and there. In the last few days and months, the frequency had been going up. And everyone but him had started taking note of it. H had started becoming listless, impatient and losing track of conversations too often. Not that he was particularly known as a great jabberwocky, but his increasingly monosyllabic stance to things in general had taken his parents, if not anyone else, by some alarm (they still did not want to ring it).

But in his subconscious strata of the brain, H knew the real story. All his mental faculties were no focused on the virtual, rather than the real. He had created his own Second Life, and was freely dabbling in it, maybe for the sake of an experiment which had started to overstep its boundaries. His world of social networking was the arena where he felt more confident to interact, and more gullible at the same time, because of the invisible garb of innocence he always wore. And the frequent pangs of happy times spent with his ex-girlfriend were contributing to it in a great amount. Though H had crossed the age of teen angst, the hormones still used to act up once in a while.

As he was figuring his next move, he was looking at the pile of uneaten fruits on the table – his breakfast that could not be. He was thinking of a suitable explanation to give to Mom, who would surely call him to ask about this when he was at work. This did annoy him mildly, but he had learnt to ignore it, ever since she had been promoted as the vice-principal of the school she had been teaching in for the last 15 years.  Her work hours had now become longer than his own, and she was not at an age when the load could be integrated into her system effortlessly. H’s maternal grandmother’s death a few months back was not helping things either. Didun  (as H called his grandma)  was a sort of mental sink for H and his mother. And she seemed to have a solution for everything. For someone who did not have a sneeze throughout her life, the sudden arrival of leukaemia to take her away was more than a rude shock for H and his family. Hence, H now knew that he, more than anyone else, would have to be steady for his mom’s sake.

He decided to nibble on the banana, while he switched on some peppy music on his computer. After all, his daily dose of heady music (apart from his back exercises) could not be missed. Half an hour after he barely managed to finish the banana and was done with his exercises, he stole a glance at the newspaper. “Right, the headlines are in place,” he said to himself. Working on the newsdesk of a paper with no off on weekends was not the kind of things people his age exactly looked forward to it. But it gave him yet another sort of satisfaction which he only he could fathom (excluding the gushing from relatives when they heard the name of the organisation he was working in).

H was wondering whether to call back his so-called love interest or not. But she would already be at work, even though she always made time to talk to him. Even then, he wanted to let things be for a few more hours at least, so the cesspool of thoughts in his as well as her head could clear up a bit.  So, after his bath, he decided to watch a serious-plot Hollywood movie instead. After all, the broadband internet connection and newly-acquired external hard drive had to be put to good use. This may not seem a normal transition for someone who starts the day with peppy music. But so were H and his mood swings. As the movie was starting, H stole a few seconds to check his Twitter timeline. Mihir and Sulbha had posted a picture of themselves from a party last night. The happiness awas oozing on the couple’s faces, which everyone had taken note and was complimenting them on it. He decided to contribute his two pennies too, in spite of the mild jealousy that recently-broken up individuals feel by looking at happy couples at times. He also noticed a sudden increase in his follower count. Had he accidentally spoken about his feelings for his Twitter friend publicly? Or was he just hallucinating? But then, he looked again at the follower count. And surely, this was not a mirage.

After All, They Are Here

3.16 am. H looked at the clock on his mobile phone. He was having a concersation with another one of his close friends (who only had a virtual presence in his life) on GTalk. He was not writing anything himself though, just looking at the stream of words flowing in. It was unusually cold for the part of the world he was in, even though it was early January. There were at least 16 browser tabs open on his laptop, this chat window being one of them. Not that he was paying attention to this chat because the movie and song downloads had slowed, but his interest in the conversation was waning anyway. Again, it would not be fair on his part to his friend, who was going through a rough patch. In other words, there had to be a way out. There had to be coffee. So, with some effort he dragged himself to the kitchen and switched on the coffee maker. As the water started simmering, he went back to check if his friend had left or not. And on the screen were these words:

 

 

 

 

I'm developing weird feelings for you

I'm not sure what this means

You are free to not reply if you don't want to

For someone who was just out of a break-up of a seven-year relationship, these three sentences bore a world of possibilities in them for H. Which also meant that a multitude of emotions - of various shapes and sizes, was waiting to break free from his mind. But one thing was certain - he would surely be lying to himself if he were to tell her that he had no such 'weird' feelings for her as well. They had been talking to each other for quite some time, had also exchanged phone numbers. And this was besides the fact that even she had gone through a heartbreak. But, would it be fair to tell her at this juncture, he wondered? Groping for answers at an unearthly hour, he decided to go back to his web of social networking contacts for help. He posted a direct message on Twitter to a lady who was known for her large-heartedness and ability to spread cheer. And then he went back to the chat window. She was still online. And was now asking him this question:

Do you like any of the girls you have met here?

'Here' meant the online meeting ground - an amalgam of Twitter and Facebook. And yes, he had met quite a few members of the opposite sex online - and of a wide age range. And some of them had been telling him about some secrets in their lives which even their near ones were not aware of. He had no clue why they were telling him these things. But it was certain that they were trying to tell him something. Maybe it was: 'you are a patient listener, hence we can confide in you'. Or it could be just that he was 'yet another listener' for them. But then, it was real. And this was an entirely new dimension he had to deal with it, as after all, they are here.

So he continued listening and letting his friend vent her heart out, until he looked at the clock again: 6.13 am

A Smaller World

It was light at the end of the tunnel, literally. After looking for a lost (or as he had thought for long) notebook, he finally found it at desolate corner of his room. Well, this is usually what happens when you don't clean your room for aerons (or ages?). So, it's not that romantic, is it? More so, he was starting to recover from a injuries sustained during an accident he had a month earlier. Hence, he was beginning to feel restless. He was done with his share of movie downloads via torrents and staring at countless blog posts. And now, he was creating a parallel world, or was entering a parallel universe rather. His newly-acquired prosperity had enabled him to acquire a BlackBerry, and he had started using that to meet new people from places where he still wishes to travel.

But why was he looking for a notebook then? His new world, known more popularly as Twitter, had held him in thrall for several weeks. He used to jot down important events in his life in his notebook, a habit he had given up after he started dating his college classmate - seven years to be precise. But, he suddenly felt the urge to revive the habit again. He had joined Twitter just as he had joined Facebook - as a fad that had caught on. But now, his world had increasingly begun to revolve around those 140 characters that were his window to talk to his friend from Paris to Patna. Each and every punctuation mark or emoticon had started to from images in his brain. Though he knew in part that he had taken refuge in the virtual world to shield himself from the recoil generated by his turbulent relationship which had just ended, he was now entering the second phase. The period of recovery had been another factor that had confined him to his room and his timeline (the Twitter equivalent of the Facebook homepage).

When he finally found the notebook, his adventures with pen and paper could not be revived immediately as the LED was flashing on his phone. And the person on the other end was one of his Twitter friends. She had just come back from a work trip to Bangalore and wanted to talk to him about her new love interest. She was one of the few who knew his real name, since he had chosen not to dislose it on his Twitter profile. He could imagine her blushing on the other end of the line, and this was precisely when he saw a barrage of tweets congratulating Mihir and Sulbha - a couple who had met on Twitter and had decided to get engaged the following month. At the same time, a couple of message arrived from his online friends in the US and France, asking about his health. As he was beginnning to soak in what was popping up on the computer screen, Humour (as he was known to his Twitter friends) started talking to DK: 'Hey, humans tweet like birds these days. Won't they fly on their own pretty soon? '

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We tweet, They tweet

The night before last, I randomly started a hashtag from my Twitter handle: #tweetslike. At the end of the hashtag I inserted a handle of the people on Twitter I interact with. It was originally meant to poke light fun at the tweeting styles of certain people on the popular social networking but ended up with me getting quite a lot of requests from my Twitter friends asking me to mimic them! So, I felt like someone doing a live-standup on Twitter by using my limted powers of observation to imitate Twitter users. In short, it was Twitter's equivalent of a mimicry artist doing his take on celebrities (ok, pun intended) and looking at Twitterwood through his eyes. It was one of those rare moments (aka gloat moment for me) when people loved to laugh at themselves. Ok enough introduction. Here goes the content of the timeline, with some additions and my own Twitter bios of the people I mimicked.

1. @venkatananth: The man who combines the abilities of Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar and P Chidambaram. Well, seriously I'm yet to come across a more well-read person at his age. A tweet from him would typically read as: 'Mate <insert fact which was unknown for 200 years>'.

2. @gkhamba: The tall Sardar from the Capital city whose tongue is firmly in his invisible turban and who, I'm sure, is secretly advising Manmohan Singh to win one at least one Lok Sabha before he takes the ticket to heaven. Be sure its his tweet when it reads like: 'Arindam Chowdhury/Chetan Bhagat/Uday Chopraa/Arnab Goswami visited my blog. <insert Delhi/Punjab joke>

3. @daddysan: The man from across the Vindhyas who is on a secret mission in the US of A to convince Obama to have a Maratha Manoos special operations cell in the US Army. His tweet would typically be: '<insert US state name> is a LOL factor. Oh well.'

4. @OldMonkMGM: The man will make sure Bengalis colonise the Moon, or Neptune for that matter, someday. Also, he can single-handedly take on Rajnikanth and Chuck Norris with his meme generating machines and YouTube music links. A sample tweet from him: Gahahahah. Epic! <insert CSI meme/YouTube link> and an optional Bengali word.'

5. @GabbbarSingh: Apart from reinventing Ramgarh on the interwebs, this man redefines humour like anything with his straight-face jokes and wordplay. A tweet from him would read like: You are what you are <insert stupendous wordplay>

6. @rameshsrivats: Another wordmeister who has an arsenal (Gunners take note) of reverse-scrabbled words with him. His sample tweet: 'I say we have a <insert wordplay>, no?'

7. @diogeneb: Anagram Anna is what I call him. When the Oxford dictionary disposes, he proposes with his splendid anagrams, with a tweet like: 'Sir,<insert anagram> <insert celebrity name>'

8. @bhalomanush: A member of the sporadic diaspora of the Bengalis. He is a bio scientist by day and a superhero by night, saving the interwebs from the attack of Steve Jobs and Bill Gates with his office humour and refreshing take on NRI as well as native Bengalis. Sample a tweet from him: The office sign says <insert Dilbert joke in reverse>

9. @i_r_squared: The leader of the Sambhar Shosannas in the US academic world who will make sure the Amits there will not have huge orgies with their butter chickens so easily. A tweet from him is a bit tough to decipher thought, hence '<insert joke which I am trying to figure out since the last 10 days>

10. @cgawker: Had it not been fro him, I would have never known what (or watt) a 'bulb' is. Again, he is a master of cryptic tweets, like '<insert joke which I may figure out before I die>

11. @krishashok: Master of binary and non-binary satire, an example of his Twitter updates: 'Here I am <insert witty jetlagged comment> checking out the work <insert an entity to bash>'

12. @abhishekmadan: Another wordplay genius who can write his own thesis, with tweets like 'They are a bunch of <insert splendid wordplay>'

13. @Unnamedentity: He is determined to spell English as Hsilgne or so I think. Hence, a tweet from him: 'Funda! <insert his own Yodaspeak/Esperanto>'

14. @WoMod: A chirpy and bubbly woman who never fails to enjoy every moment of life. Sample a tweet from her: '<insert fun philosophy> <insert emoticon>'

15. @DevilOnBunk: One of my Twitter gangmates from whom even a slap will feel good, well yeah. When he is missing on the timeline, the world of the 140 looks so weird. A typical tweet from him: 'Abeyaar/Bhug <insert another cuss word>

16. @hautesaiff: An ace photographer and a very 'haute' person indeed. A tweet from him: 'Yeh kya ho raha hai? LOL'

17. @Desdemona14: Madam D, who does not seem to get a shut eye unless a fail whale strikes Twitter. Also a good friend online. She loves to say: Kya hai? Ha ha ha #drama'

18. @ImpsMom: Another one of my earliest Twitter friends and the mother of a lovely Imp. As soon as you read 'Hiya how's you?' be sure its her tweet.

19. @ikaveri: Nothing less than the Superwoman of Twitter, who loves to tweet like: '*fooooooooooooop* <insert Twitpic in next tweet> *pooooooooooof*'

20. @Jhunjhunwala: The richest man in the universe indeed, who never fails to say '3...2...1 out'

21. @bitchwanti: Queen Yoda, who never misses a moment to tickle your irritation nerve with tweets like 'Anger shall ensue, BURN!'

22. @oneblackcoffee:Cellphone cannot be cellphones unless she tells you so. also, it would be not odd to see a tweet from her like: 'Clearly ,insert rant about weaher/work> Meh :|'

23. @ScarletOhHara: I never knew Nemi existed until I met her on Twitter, since she is blessed with the power of baking a cake ina washing machine. also, you will be certain it is her tweet when it reads like: 'Did you see what happened in the <insert crappy TV show name>?'

24. @raggedtag: Arundhati Roy, beware of her as she would ove to say: 'What about India? <insert link to article in high-profile journal>'

25. @dharmeshG: He has three reservoirs on his body to store the following: beer, beer and beer, apart from movies and Tv shows. Make no mistake that it his tweet when it reads: Epic <insert YouTube link> must watch trailer'

26. @69fubar: Geniuses are in varied forms, like this man - who can actually (yes) solve a Rubik;s Cube blindfolded. Also, he would typically say: "I aintno shit tweet I aint no retweet.'

27. @punkster101: A natural charmer this young man, with his lovable tweets like: '<insert tremendous philosophy> Gah'

28. @SiddharthPatel:A true social media junky, connects with Twittterati at ease. So, his tweet would be: '36 greatest tharkis of the world <insert Twitter celen handle> RT'

29. @PsychoMaan: The wonderful young photographer that he is, at his age I did not even know what an SLr camera was. his tweet: 'Crooked Smile <insert link to photo> <insert 101 handle>

30. @OyeMaria: The self-proclaimed male basher who never fails to entertain as well. So a typical tweet from her <insert male bashing joke> !!!'

31. @mehrzee: The queen of perky tweets, loves to post 'Goti <insert perky tweet>'

32. @Decloned_Taz: God decided to give her me a telepathic connect of headaches, so I would not blame the poor thing when she says: I will @TheHumerus for giving me a headache'

33. @preetidhingra: The self-confessed hot Punjabi who loves her music and vodka, and keeps on asking: 'What would you sing for your friend's birthday? suggestions welcome'

34. @ConfuseusSay: Loves his music also, as well as hi hookahs also: 'Hookah has been had. Bliss.'

35. @TorqueAddict: Who says a can of beer does not have its own algorithm? Ask Him, and he would tell you: 'Drunk I am, not'

36. @SparklingGuy: This entrepreneur from Sadi Dilli creates magic on his website and then says: :We have created an infographic. RT and share link please. Thanks'

37. @ruhiseth: A fellow citizen of the City of Joy, she makes us smile with her dotted line tweets: '......DP changed....'

38. @blackrosegal: Another adorable fellow citizen of the City of Joy, makes me smile with her randomness: 'I'm playing Hitman. aaaaa'

39. @abhijitdg: Ace journalist and someone who has been kicking the bottle and the stick since the British left India, his straight face sense of humour never fails to amaze me: 'I'm bored. Entertain me, please'

40. @Ipsita_Shome: Ban-ki Moon who? Make this lady the in-charge at UN I say. No wonder you would find her saying: 'And oh before I retire with my book <insert link to bomb blast in Uzbekistan> shalom'

41. @Nishad_M: My Marathi teacher and a genuine human being in every sense of the term. Loves to say: 'Hello friends, getting ready for work'

42. @isanzc: A master of wordplay in the Bengali language: '<insert Bengali wordplay> LOL!!'

43. @ShwetaKapur: A bright young journalist who brings random smiles with her <insert tremendously random statement> tweets

I could go on and on, but I know that while reading this, you have kept your work (even if its tying the left shoelace) for too long. And besides, this list has 43 names. Think about it (ok?)

If you think this was an indirect to pimp certain Twitter handles, my third purpose would have been served (the other two I'm still trying to figure out of course).

(PS: Names are not in any order of preference)

The Big Dabangg Theory

A few days ago, a great man known as Stephen Hawking said: 'God did not create the Universe.' All media, and more so social media, was quick to pick it up, though overall many might have been saying secretly: 'Dude, what's so new about that?'. Well, that statement, like many others made by other great men and women only drives the home the point, its not the words that matter, its their source which does.



This week, many fans of the man with the Black Buck-belt, Salman Khan, (to be addressed affectionately as Sir Chulbul Pandey for the time being) flocked to movie theatres to catch his antics in Dabangg. The amount of hype and attention surrounding this movie was not so much that a certain lady whose father could blow off villains with his 'Khamosh!' was making her debut, but for the fact that this movie apparently reinforces the fact stated in the above paragraph, if you go by the  dialogue: 'Tum mein itne chhed karenge, ke saans loge kahin se aur paadoge kahin se.' I confess to not watching the movie, so I may have faltered with the words a bit, and neither is what you are going to read further a review or an attempt to use the movie as a benchmark to state a high or low-brow theory. But going by the response of social media users, I feel obliged to state The Big Dabangg Theory, more in terms of a general perception on entertainment and life in general.

According to The Big Dabangg Theory, the universe is perenially in a very hot and dense state of intellectual masturbation, but tends to cool down at times with humorous farts (yes as physics defying as it may sound). With the brief men/women-o-pauses, the universe continues to expand. But the twist in the tale is that these tiny farts stimulate in the expansion, which enables the intellectual masturbation to go on smoothly. Who are the ones who lead the charge of the intellectual nymphomaniacs? Opinions could vary from Arundhati Roy to Naomi Klein, but since it's the humorous farts which contribute more to the uninterrupted flow of the mental coitus, it's these personalities/entities who matter a lot. A few who prove this postulate correct are as follows (you are free to contribute more to the list or create your own):

1. Govinda: Be it his kitschy costumes or zany dance moves - this man will manage a laugh out of even a Angela Merkel at a crisis summit. And needless to say, slapstick humour as we know it can trace some of its bilogical fatherhood to him.



2. Rakhi Sawant: Again, mindlessness as we know in the cyber silicone age, is a big offshoot of her acts. In fact, do not be surprised Ms Sawant claims to be the bastard child of Stephen Hawking one day. PS: some newspapers/TV channels are already waiting for such a moment.



3. Robert Pattinson: Why him? Well, not due to the fact that he can wait for 117 years to romance a high school girl, but he (or Edward Cullen rather) reinforces the fact there is some justification in having products like Fair & Handsome in the market (though I may hear you smorting in disapproval).



4. Lady GaGa: Mark my words: she will design the spacesuit of the future



5. Bill Gates & Steve Jobs: The reason why these two come at bottom is that they have been a part of an intellectual orgasm of a different kind: freedom to think out of the Windows and the ability to make you and me, and just i, a part of the tech universe. Their actions have stimulated this in a reverse manner, of course (lest a debate on on coding starts here).

What was I thinking while writing this? Well, mostly nothing, as most people who have seen Dabangg have felt. But like my earlier blog posts, the message is the same this time: laughter makes the world go round (if it did make you laugh that is). Think when you have to, and have fun because you need to - something which is, 'fascinating' in the words of Dr Sheldon Cooper.

Social Networking Lingo - An Alternative Look

Ever wondered what the acronyms like IMHO or ROFL floating around on social networks really mean? Well, not that you need to. But with repeated usage, these terms have now come to have their own connotation, with the way every user or a group of users on Twitter or Facebook act when keying in these acronyms. So, maybe we could have our expansions of some of the most popular shorthands on social networks. And, a sampler could look like this:

1. LOL:  Lay, Orkutiya Lay - given the hatred meted out to the so-called Orkutiyas or Orkut lovers who stalk people for 'fraandship', well this is the end to their motive, isn't it?

2. ROFL: Round Off the Frigging Losers - there are many of these 'influencers' on social networks who act as the sentinel of the gates as well. When they bash up an attention-seeker or a trouble-maker, this could surely be a used as a marker.

3.LMAO: Learning Martial Arts Online - everyday in life is a learning experience, so why not every moment of your social networking be a learning experience too? Especially, since martial arts is one of the best survival tactics known to man.

4. KLPD: Kill Landa, Punish Dunga - one is a villain in reel life, the other in real. So, again a bash-up tactic

5. KVLT: Knowledge Voltage, Low Transmission - heavy duty knowledge getting diluted

6. IMHO: Inner Meditation Hose Opening - when the 'spiritual' and 'life-changing' quotes are on an overdrive.

7. ATM: And That's Me - simple answer to repetitive questions on your online/offline persona

8. TWSS: Tender Words, Short Sentences - say good things by using less space on the screen

9. BRB: Boss Right Behind - can be used when in danger

10. PMS: Post Mobile Syndrome - what you suffer from when you are forced to lead an existence without your mobile phone.

As random as the above expansions may sound, remember: there is no bigger order than chaos.