After All, They Are Here

3.16 am. H looked at the clock on his mobile phone. He was having a concersation with another one of his close friends (who only had a virtual presence in his life) on GTalk. He was not writing anything himself though, just looking at the stream of words flowing in. It was unusually cold for the part of the world he was in, even though it was early January. There were at least 16 browser tabs open on his laptop, this chat window being one of them. Not that he was paying attention to this chat because the movie and song downloads had slowed, but his interest in the conversation was waning anyway. Again, it would not be fair on his part to his friend, who was going through a rough patch. In other words, there had to be a way out. There had to be coffee. So, with some effort he dragged himself to the kitchen and switched on the coffee maker. As the water started simmering, he went back to check if his friend had left or not. And on the screen were these words:

 

 

 

 

I'm developing weird feelings for you

I'm not sure what this means

You are free to not reply if you don't want to

For someone who was just out of a break-up of a seven-year relationship, these three sentences bore a world of possibilities in them for H. Which also meant that a multitude of emotions - of various shapes and sizes, was waiting to break free from his mind. But one thing was certain - he would surely be lying to himself if he were to tell her that he had no such 'weird' feelings for her as well. They had been talking to each other for quite some time, had also exchanged phone numbers. And this was besides the fact that even she had gone through a heartbreak. But, would it be fair to tell her at this juncture, he wondered? Groping for answers at an unearthly hour, he decided to go back to his web of social networking contacts for help. He posted a direct message on Twitter to a lady who was known for her large-heartedness and ability to spread cheer. And then he went back to the chat window. She was still online. And was now asking him this question:

Do you like any of the girls you have met here?

'Here' meant the online meeting ground - an amalgam of Twitter and Facebook. And yes, he had met quite a few members of the opposite sex online - and of a wide age range. And some of them had been telling him about some secrets in their lives which even their near ones were not aware of. He had no clue why they were telling him these things. But it was certain that they were trying to tell him something. Maybe it was: 'you are a patient listener, hence we can confide in you'. Or it could be just that he was 'yet another listener' for them. But then, it was real. And this was an entirely new dimension he had to deal with it, as after all, they are here.

So he continued listening and letting his friend vent her heart out, until he looked at the clock again: 6.13 am

A Smaller World

It was light at the end of the tunnel, literally. After looking for a lost (or as he had thought for long) notebook, he finally found it at desolate corner of his room. Well, this is usually what happens when you don't clean your room for aerons (or ages?). So, it's not that romantic, is it? More so, he was starting to recover from a injuries sustained during an accident he had a month earlier. Hence, he was beginning to feel restless. He was done with his share of movie downloads via torrents and staring at countless blog posts. And now, he was creating a parallel world, or was entering a parallel universe rather. His newly-acquired prosperity had enabled him to acquire a BlackBerry, and he had started using that to meet new people from places where he still wishes to travel.

But why was he looking for a notebook then? His new world, known more popularly as Twitter, had held him in thrall for several weeks. He used to jot down important events in his life in his notebook, a habit he had given up after he started dating his college classmate - seven years to be precise. But, he suddenly felt the urge to revive the habit again. He had joined Twitter just as he had joined Facebook - as a fad that had caught on. But now, his world had increasingly begun to revolve around those 140 characters that were his window to talk to his friend from Paris to Patna. Each and every punctuation mark or emoticon had started to from images in his brain. Though he knew in part that he had taken refuge in the virtual world to shield himself from the recoil generated by his turbulent relationship which had just ended, he was now entering the second phase. The period of recovery had been another factor that had confined him to his room and his timeline (the Twitter equivalent of the Facebook homepage).

When he finally found the notebook, his adventures with pen and paper could not be revived immediately as the LED was flashing on his phone. And the person on the other end was one of his Twitter friends. She had just come back from a work trip to Bangalore and wanted to talk to him about her new love interest. She was one of the few who knew his real name, since he had chosen not to dislose it on his Twitter profile. He could imagine her blushing on the other end of the line, and this was precisely when he saw a barrage of tweets congratulating Mihir and Sulbha - a couple who had met on Twitter and had decided to get engaged the following month. At the same time, a couple of message arrived from his online friends in the US and France, asking about his health. As he was beginnning to soak in what was popping up on the computer screen, Humour (as he was known to his Twitter friends) started talking to DK: 'Hey, humans tweet like birds these days. Won't they fly on their own pretty soon? '

Untitled

We tweet, They tweet

The night before last, I randomly started a hashtag from my Twitter handle: #tweetslike. At the end of the hashtag I inserted a handle of the people on Twitter I interact with. It was originally meant to poke light fun at the tweeting styles of certain people on the popular social networking but ended up with me getting quite a lot of requests from my Twitter friends asking me to mimic them! So, I felt like someone doing a live-standup on Twitter by using my limted powers of observation to imitate Twitter users. In short, it was Twitter's equivalent of a mimicry artist doing his take on celebrities (ok, pun intended) and looking at Twitterwood through his eyes. It was one of those rare moments (aka gloat moment for me) when people loved to laugh at themselves. Ok enough introduction. Here goes the content of the timeline, with some additions and my own Twitter bios of the people I mimicked.

1. @venkatananth: The man who combines the abilities of Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar and P Chidambaram. Well, seriously I'm yet to come across a more well-read person at his age. A tweet from him would typically read as: 'Mate <insert fact which was unknown for 200 years>'.

2. @gkhamba: The tall Sardar from the Capital city whose tongue is firmly in his invisible turban and who, I'm sure, is secretly advising Manmohan Singh to win one at least one Lok Sabha before he takes the ticket to heaven. Be sure its his tweet when it reads like: 'Arindam Chowdhury/Chetan Bhagat/Uday Chopraa/Arnab Goswami visited my blog. <insert Delhi/Punjab joke>

3. @daddysan: The man from across the Vindhyas who is on a secret mission in the US of A to convince Obama to have a Maratha Manoos special operations cell in the US Army. His tweet would typically be: '<insert US state name> is a LOL factor. Oh well.'

4. @OldMonkMGM: The man will make sure Bengalis colonise the Moon, or Neptune for that matter, someday. Also, he can single-handedly take on Rajnikanth and Chuck Norris with his meme generating machines and YouTube music links. A sample tweet from him: Gahahahah. Epic! <insert CSI meme/YouTube link> and an optional Bengali word.'

5. @GabbbarSingh: Apart from reinventing Ramgarh on the interwebs, this man redefines humour like anything with his straight-face jokes and wordplay. A tweet from him would read like: You are what you are <insert stupendous wordplay>

6. @rameshsrivats: Another wordmeister who has an arsenal (Gunners take note) of reverse-scrabbled words with him. His sample tweet: 'I say we have a <insert wordplay>, no?'

7. @diogeneb: Anagram Anna is what I call him. When the Oxford dictionary disposes, he proposes with his splendid anagrams, with a tweet like: 'Sir,<insert anagram> <insert celebrity name>'

8. @bhalomanush: A member of the sporadic diaspora of the Bengalis. He is a bio scientist by day and a superhero by night, saving the interwebs from the attack of Steve Jobs and Bill Gates with his office humour and refreshing take on NRI as well as native Bengalis. Sample a tweet from him: The office sign says <insert Dilbert joke in reverse>

9. @i_r_squared: The leader of the Sambhar Shosannas in the US academic world who will make sure the Amits there will not have huge orgies with their butter chickens so easily. A tweet from him is a bit tough to decipher thought, hence '<insert joke which I am trying to figure out since the last 10 days>

10. @cgawker: Had it not been fro him, I would have never known what (or watt) a 'bulb' is. Again, he is a master of cryptic tweets, like '<insert joke which I may figure out before I die>

11. @krishashok: Master of binary and non-binary satire, an example of his Twitter updates: 'Here I am <insert witty jetlagged comment> checking out the work <insert an entity to bash>'

12. @abhishekmadan: Another wordplay genius who can write his own thesis, with tweets like 'They are a bunch of <insert splendid wordplay>'

13. @Unnamedentity: He is determined to spell English as Hsilgne or so I think. Hence, a tweet from him: 'Funda! <insert his own Yodaspeak/Esperanto>'

14. @WoMod: A chirpy and bubbly woman who never fails to enjoy every moment of life. Sample a tweet from her: '<insert fun philosophy> <insert emoticon>'

15. @DevilOnBunk: One of my Twitter gangmates from whom even a slap will feel good, well yeah. When he is missing on the timeline, the world of the 140 looks so weird. A typical tweet from him: 'Abeyaar/Bhug <insert another cuss word>

16. @hautesaiff: An ace photographer and a very 'haute' person indeed. A tweet from him: 'Yeh kya ho raha hai? LOL'

17. @Desdemona14: Madam D, who does not seem to get a shut eye unless a fail whale strikes Twitter. Also a good friend online. She loves to say: Kya hai? Ha ha ha #drama'

18. @ImpsMom: Another one of my earliest Twitter friends and the mother of a lovely Imp. As soon as you read 'Hiya how's you?' be sure its her tweet.

19. @ikaveri: Nothing less than the Superwoman of Twitter, who loves to tweet like: '*fooooooooooooop* <insert Twitpic in next tweet> *pooooooooooof*'

20. @Jhunjhunwala: The richest man in the universe indeed, who never fails to say '3...2...1 out'

21. @bitchwanti: Queen Yoda, who never misses a moment to tickle your irritation nerve with tweets like 'Anger shall ensue, BURN!'

22. @oneblackcoffee:Cellphone cannot be cellphones unless she tells you so. also, it would be not odd to see a tweet from her like: 'Clearly ,insert rant about weaher/work> Meh :|'

23. @ScarletOhHara: I never knew Nemi existed until I met her on Twitter, since she is blessed with the power of baking a cake ina washing machine. also, you will be certain it is her tweet when it reads like: 'Did you see what happened in the <insert crappy TV show name>?'

24. @raggedtag: Arundhati Roy, beware of her as she would ove to say: 'What about India? <insert link to article in high-profile journal>'

25. @dharmeshG: He has three reservoirs on his body to store the following: beer, beer and beer, apart from movies and Tv shows. Make no mistake that it his tweet when it reads: Epic <insert YouTube link> must watch trailer'

26. @69fubar: Geniuses are in varied forms, like this man - who can actually (yes) solve a Rubik;s Cube blindfolded. Also, he would typically say: "I aintno shit tweet I aint no retweet.'

27. @punkster101: A natural charmer this young man, with his lovable tweets like: '<insert tremendous philosophy> Gah'

28. @SiddharthPatel:A true social media junky, connects with Twittterati at ease. So, his tweet would be: '36 greatest tharkis of the world <insert Twitter celen handle> RT'

29. @PsychoMaan: The wonderful young photographer that he is, at his age I did not even know what an SLr camera was. his tweet: 'Crooked Smile <insert link to photo> <insert 101 handle>

30. @OyeMaria: The self-proclaimed male basher who never fails to entertain as well. So a typical tweet from her <insert male bashing joke> !!!'

31. @mehrzee: The queen of perky tweets, loves to post 'Goti <insert perky tweet>'

32. @Decloned_Taz: God decided to give her me a telepathic connect of headaches, so I would not blame the poor thing when she says: I will @TheHumerus for giving me a headache'

33. @preetidhingra: The self-confessed hot Punjabi who loves her music and vodka, and keeps on asking: 'What would you sing for your friend's birthday? suggestions welcome'

34. @ConfuseusSay: Loves his music also, as well as hi hookahs also: 'Hookah has been had. Bliss.'

35. @TorqueAddict: Who says a can of beer does not have its own algorithm? Ask Him, and he would tell you: 'Drunk I am, not'

36. @SparklingGuy: This entrepreneur from Sadi Dilli creates magic on his website and then says: :We have created an infographic. RT and share link please. Thanks'

37. @ruhiseth: A fellow citizen of the City of Joy, she makes us smile with her dotted line tweets: '......DP changed....'

38. @blackrosegal: Another adorable fellow citizen of the City of Joy, makes me smile with her randomness: 'I'm playing Hitman. aaaaa'

39. @abhijitdg: Ace journalist and someone who has been kicking the bottle and the stick since the British left India, his straight face sense of humour never fails to amaze me: 'I'm bored. Entertain me, please'

40. @Ipsita_Shome: Ban-ki Moon who? Make this lady the in-charge at UN I say. No wonder you would find her saying: 'And oh before I retire with my book <insert link to bomb blast in Uzbekistan> shalom'

41. @Nishad_M: My Marathi teacher and a genuine human being in every sense of the term. Loves to say: 'Hello friends, getting ready for work'

42. @isanzc: A master of wordplay in the Bengali language: '<insert Bengali wordplay> LOL!!'

43. @ShwetaKapur: A bright young journalist who brings random smiles with her <insert tremendously random statement> tweets

I could go on and on, but I know that while reading this, you have kept your work (even if its tying the left shoelace) for too long. And besides, this list has 43 names. Think about it (ok?)

If you think this was an indirect to pimp certain Twitter handles, my third purpose would have been served (the other two I'm still trying to figure out of course).

(PS: Names are not in any order of preference)

The Big Dabangg Theory

A few days ago, a great man known as Stephen Hawking said: 'God did not create the Universe.' All media, and more so social media, was quick to pick it up, though overall many might have been saying secretly: 'Dude, what's so new about that?'. Well, that statement, like many others made by other great men and women only drives the home the point, its not the words that matter, its their source which does.



This week, many fans of the man with the Black Buck-belt, Salman Khan, (to be addressed affectionately as Sir Chulbul Pandey for the time being) flocked to movie theatres to catch his antics in Dabangg. The amount of hype and attention surrounding this movie was not so much that a certain lady whose father could blow off villains with his 'Khamosh!' was making her debut, but for the fact that this movie apparently reinforces the fact stated in the above paragraph, if you go by the  dialogue: 'Tum mein itne chhed karenge, ke saans loge kahin se aur paadoge kahin se.' I confess to not watching the movie, so I may have faltered with the words a bit, and neither is what you are going to read further a review or an attempt to use the movie as a benchmark to state a high or low-brow theory. But going by the response of social media users, I feel obliged to state The Big Dabangg Theory, more in terms of a general perception on entertainment and life in general.

According to The Big Dabangg Theory, the universe is perenially in a very hot and dense state of intellectual masturbation, but tends to cool down at times with humorous farts (yes as physics defying as it may sound). With the brief men/women-o-pauses, the universe continues to expand. But the twist in the tale is that these tiny farts stimulate in the expansion, which enables the intellectual masturbation to go on smoothly. Who are the ones who lead the charge of the intellectual nymphomaniacs? Opinions could vary from Arundhati Roy to Naomi Klein, but since it's the humorous farts which contribute more to the uninterrupted flow of the mental coitus, it's these personalities/entities who matter a lot. A few who prove this postulate correct are as follows (you are free to contribute more to the list or create your own):

1. Govinda: Be it his kitschy costumes or zany dance moves - this man will manage a laugh out of even a Angela Merkel at a crisis summit. And needless to say, slapstick humour as we know it can trace some of its bilogical fatherhood to him.



2. Rakhi Sawant: Again, mindlessness as we know in the cyber silicone age, is a big offshoot of her acts. In fact, do not be surprised Ms Sawant claims to be the bastard child of Stephen Hawking one day. PS: some newspapers/TV channels are already waiting for such a moment.



3. Robert Pattinson: Why him? Well, not due to the fact that he can wait for 117 years to romance a high school girl, but he (or Edward Cullen rather) reinforces the fact there is some justification in having products like Fair & Handsome in the market (though I may hear you smorting in disapproval).



4. Lady GaGa: Mark my words: she will design the spacesuit of the future



5. Bill Gates & Steve Jobs: The reason why these two come at bottom is that they have been a part of an intellectual orgasm of a different kind: freedom to think out of the Windows and the ability to make you and me, and just i, a part of the tech universe. Their actions have stimulated this in a reverse manner, of course (lest a debate on on coding starts here).

What was I thinking while writing this? Well, mostly nothing, as most people who have seen Dabangg have felt. But like my earlier blog posts, the message is the same this time: laughter makes the world go round (if it did make you laugh that is). Think when you have to, and have fun because you need to - something which is, 'fascinating' in the words of Dr Sheldon Cooper.

Social Networking Lingo - An Alternative Look

Ever wondered what the acronyms like IMHO or ROFL floating around on social networks really mean? Well, not that you need to. But with repeated usage, these terms have now come to have their own connotation, with the way every user or a group of users on Twitter or Facebook act when keying in these acronyms. So, maybe we could have our expansions of some of the most popular shorthands on social networks. And, a sampler could look like this:

1. LOL:  Lay, Orkutiya Lay - given the hatred meted out to the so-called Orkutiyas or Orkut lovers who stalk people for 'fraandship', well this is the end to their motive, isn't it?

2. ROFL: Round Off the Frigging Losers - there are many of these 'influencers' on social networks who act as the sentinel of the gates as well. When they bash up an attention-seeker or a trouble-maker, this could surely be a used as a marker.

3.LMAO: Learning Martial Arts Online - everyday in life is a learning experience, so why not every moment of your social networking be a learning experience too? Especially, since martial arts is one of the best survival tactics known to man.

4. KLPD: Kill Landa, Punish Dunga - one is a villain in reel life, the other in real. So, again a bash-up tactic

5. KVLT: Knowledge Voltage, Low Transmission - heavy duty knowledge getting diluted

6. IMHO: Inner Meditation Hose Opening - when the 'spiritual' and 'life-changing' quotes are on an overdrive.

7. ATM: And That's Me - simple answer to repetitive questions on your online/offline persona

8. TWSS: Tender Words, Short Sentences - say good things by using less space on the screen

9. BRB: Boss Right Behind - can be used when in danger

10. PMS: Post Mobile Syndrome - what you suffer from when you are forced to lead an existence without your mobile phone.

As random as the above expansions may sound, remember: there is no bigger order than chaos.

The Rajneeti of Twitter

Rajneeti - a movie that talks about Indian politics in true Mahabharat fashion - the 'neeti' (conduct) of Rajneeti (politics) can be such an oxymoron.

With a star cast that straddles the world of 'mainstream' as well as 'arthouse' cinema, this tale told by Prakash Jha may have done more than its bit to put on more than one thinking cap. As the great man Aristotle (for me at least as I had to labour over his theories in college) once said: 'Man is a political animal', so politics is everywhere - even on that hugely popular thing called Twitter.

So, let's have a look at politics on Twitter. Besides, I don't have the right to bore you with yet another 'review'. So let's take another ride down the 140 (yes I want you to silly).

1. Follow Friday (#FF) - this is on top of the list because of nothing else but the day of posting this update. But well - the whole #FF rigmarole can be so much intriguing if you look at it that way - so much ego massaging so that you can probably rake up your 10,000 followers in a day - just like a wannabe neta is ready to take off his dhoti for a poll ticket.

2. Retweet (RT) - tweet, tweet and retweet - to most its passing on information with your own opinion added at times. But, its also a veritable tool for negative propaganda and humiliation - though the content can determine this a lot. So, when you simply hit the retweet button when someone throws an egg in your face, your followers return the favour - ahh the sweet revenge you derive then! Just like pro and anti Maoist ideologues having fun on news channels while Kishenji & Mamata Banerjee sit back & watch the fun.

3. Ranting on Twitter - this is one of the most interesting features. This always makes you look like you are talking to yourself, but the effect is the exact opposite. So, your followers offer you advice or sympathy, depending on the situation. Just like the Shakunis would to their Duryodhanas. (Nothing to say that giving advice is wrong - this is said in jest only)

4. Block - this is fairly simple but has a lasting effect, just like putting a political dynasty out of business.

Now that you have come to the end of this post, I sense a deep feeling in you to run after me with your footwear. So I can only make it up by saying: tweet to your heart's content and don't let the fail whales bother you! Normal, as always, is boring for me at least.

Five Ways Social Networking Can Make You Unsocial

Love being a Twitterati, don't you? Also, keep checking every minute on who has 'liked' or posted some smart comment on that party snap of yours in Facebook? Well, the good news is: you are a celebrity in the virtual networking sphere. The bad news: your reallity rating points (RRPs) are going down abysmally, here's how:

1. Speak the TW language: tweet so much that you prefix 'tw' to anything and everything that you do - you have your tweakfast, you drive to twork and then come back twome. And you start resembling a distant cousin of Jadoo of Koi Mila Gaya fame.

2. Tweet about whatever you do: urban legend has it that a good soul had programmed his bed to tweet about whatever he was doing to his dearest wife. Well, that may be some way off but then, when SRK tweets from his shower, you also want to do so - just that you forgot to notice the water in your shower ran out whilst thou were tweeting.

3. Sticky fingers on the laptop/iPhone/BlackBerry - those who thought QWERTY was an ice-cream flavour a while back are now adept at hoptyping their way to virtual stardom. Well, only that they forget real life is not always WYISWYG (what you see is what you get)

4. Honey, I got so drunk last night - really? Yes, your boss saw those vodka vein pictures on Facebook too - and now...

5. Highly likely - this does not do much damage, save that you end up 'liking' Osama & Obama on Facebook at the same time

Disclaimer: this post may only look like the warning on cigarette packets. But hey, social networking is not an evil after all - the author of this post being a firm believer in this statement. Neither do these words prove the author is not guilty of any of the sins above - so consider this as loud thinking and nothing else!

Five Ways To Have More Fun On Twitter

Tweet, tweet - you tweet, I tweet, SRT tweet & SRK tweet. Never thought 140 characters could change the world around you? Or you still don't think so? Well, here is an attempt to make Twitter change the world (well, yeah, almost)

1. Don't name each and every update a 'tweet' - well, tweets can unsetlle so many crowns as we have seen. So, when an update does not sound so pleasant, why call it a 'tweet'. So, Messrs Stone, Williams & Dorsey - why not start naming those potentially explosive updates as 'breaking tweet' or 'kaboom tweet' maybe??

2. Have music with the emoticons & #nowplaying hashtags - the use of emoticons has really exploded with the advent of  Twitter (barring IM clients of course) - you need to say so much in so l:/ttl:e). So, why not add some ringtone/caller tune style notes to make you feel Twitter can also gel with the real world. Also, since #nowplaying remains one of the top trending topics at any moment of the day/night, why not have a music search engine sensor (or a blip.fm add-on) to play a preview of that clip for your followers to enjoy the music and not dance to it in their imaginations only?

3. Have the celebs linked to Promoted Tweets - celebs sell themselves in virtual world, so why not have their real-life endorsements on Twitter via Promoted Tweets as well. So, maybe a grinning MSD egging you to be 'dillogical' with Lays chips or SRK giving you the summer chiller tips with Navratna cool talc. Would make more sense and give us some real entertainment than their bed & breakfast tweets, no?

4. Have a Twitter Esperanto - with every social network comes its own language code. For Twitter, it has not been any different - only that the 140 game has given it a twist, what with the #GGs. So, with this melting pot in place, why not try and have an Esperanto for Twitter too? Whr u cn sy nthng u wnt 2 IMH

5. Have a Twitter sanctuary - whales are endangered creatures (though I can't give an exact count of how many are left, unlike tigers). So, please act reponsibly Twitter - don't let them loose to fill in the show when your servers go down. Believe in CSR - have Twitter sanctuary for the fail whales. The downtime message should then look like this: 'We are working on the issue, in the meantime, why don't you take a tour around our sanctuary and visit the whales we are breeding?'

If you have endured all the five points, then congratualtions - you (like your truly) - do believe that Twitter can change the world, truly!

How to be an Indian hunk within Rs 500

Still waiting for that college PYT to for the movie show? Or, haven't mustered enough courage to even say hi to the office chick? And the that 'hunk' stealing all your would-be thunder right under your nose? Well, is it because he is the resident room freshener, drives that SUV and has a swagger that will put even George Clooney to shame? Well, you have not lost your chances yet. Here's a quick guide to how you can be an Indian with your pocket being pinched for less than Rs 500:

1. Axe/Set Wet Deoderant: topmost on the list because this will have women/girls/ladies of all shapes and sizes running towards you - Rs 160

2. Emami Fair & Handsome - all the 'cute' ones will treat you like their male alter ego - Rs 5 (chhota pack)

3. Dollar Club underwear you can fight the bad guys even with your eyes closed - Rs 150

4. Close-up toothpaste - you can keep laughing with your lady without embarrassment - Rs 50

5. Start motivating yourself by calling yourself on the phone - does not require money but some imagination - and say this to yourself at least a dozen times - "I'm not a loser"

6. With the change, treat your lady to streetfood and sit together on the river/seafront - this is a tried and tested formula

I added the last point since it's not so bad to have that experience after all, even if your means to that end differ.

(Prices are as accurate as possible)

A scribble review of iPad

Well, the iPad is here in India - in exclusivity at least. For those of you who think its an oversized iPhone or iPod touch, you may have had your share of finding worms in the Apple. For those of you who are more than impatient to lay your hands on it, well, there is no denying that this device has design and a user interface that is unmatched to date. You may have read better reviews earlier, but this is completely user-generated so I hope you find something of use in here. I'll just go through the basic specs and my take on them -

Pros -

Size and weight

Height: 9.56 inches (242.8 mm)

Width: 7.47 inches (189.7 mm)

Depth:0.5 inch (13.4 mm)

Weight:1.5 pounds (0.68 kg) Wi-Fi model;1.6 pounds (0.73 kg) Wi-Fi + 3G model

My take: This is a big plus for those who like to carry their e-world with them. Big thumbs up.

Display

• 9.7-inch (diagonal) LED-backlit glossy widescreen Multi-Touch display with IPS technology


• 1024-by-768-pixel resolution at 132 pixels per inch (ppi)


• Fingerprint-resistant oleophobic coating


• Support for display of multiple languages and characters simultaneously

My take: Brings forward the iPhone & iPod rich display experience. Another thumbs up.

Sensors

• Accelerometer


• Ambient light sensor

My take: Not something to rave about but relief for those who like to read their news lying on the bed or play motion games.

Cons -

Capacity

• 16GB, 32GB, or 64GB flash drive

My take: Isn't it a computer we are talking about? I know iTunes can sing so much but if software is not your thing then why skip the basic hardware Mr Jobs? Thumbs down

Input and output

• Dock connector port

My take: I chose this feature only as this is the most glaring, and as Tina Fey would say in Date Night - 'the computer sticky thing' aka the USB port gets short shrift here with undue bias for the 30-pin dock connector port that Apple is so fond of, like iTunes. Great, but surely something as basic as this deserves your attention again Mr Jobs?

So, to sum it up, for the Mac, iPhone and iPod lovers, this is surely something to die for. For those who are gradually soaking in the Apple experience, well the jury is still out. With a number of cheaper alternatives in the tablet PC as well as netbook segment, the price-conscious Indian consumer does need a lot more convincing. Besides, on the software front, there are so many open-source projects competing for your attention which make you think twice before settling for style & design over utility. Even then, the product could turn out to be a gamechanger in ways more than one - as it does eliminate the need (so I feel) to go in for a separate ebook reader, gaming console and music player (even if the sceptics point out the  frequent bugs in iTunes) - which makes for an enriching multimedia experience. This comes from someone who enjoys watching his videos in superior format while commuting to work.  But, don't expect the iPad to replace your BlackBerry or high-power laptop anytime soon. And this comes from someone who enjoys his productivity with those mails flowing in seamlessly while on the move.

India price: (inclusive of taxes) 16GB : Rs 40,000, 32GB: Rs 50,000, 64GB: Rs 58,000

(all tech specs courtesy www.apple.com)

(bottom pic courtesy Aarti Krishnakumar)

Arrhyming Verse

It was early evening - the light of a warm yet soothing afternoon had started seeping out and the misty clime was setting in - the twilight of autumn. I sat in my room - watching a romantic-comedy movie on my laptop and punching away SMSes to glory on my mobile phone. It was my off day from work and and I had taken a resolve not to laze around, so I had spent half the morning downloading a couple of movies using my newly-installed high speed net connection (!) So, as I sat enjoying the fruits of my labour, father came back from work, shortly followed by mother. It was time to catch up on a whole week of missed out family interactions, thanks to my inverted working hours. In the midst of all this, the light brown envelope lay on my envelope. I had almost forgotten, but as the evening progressed, I decided to steal a glance at the contents of the envelope - it contained the reports from a medical examination I had undergone earlier. As I opened it, I could feel a wave of thoughts rushing on to my mind's coastline. And when I read the report, most of which contained medical jargon could not understand, I could feel it - yes, my heart had betrayed me. The doctors call it arrhythmia, where the heart beats a tad slowly. I call it arrhyming verse - which painted a vivid picture of the poetry that I had wanted my life to be - a slow recourse to the other world. I had no clue whether I would die in a heartbeat or continue to trudge the path of existence. Yet, I had realised it, and I know it now - my happiness has never been above the joy which I have willingly imparted to others, and my dejection has been more than the pain I have caused to others unwillingly. I don't know if this sounds like a confession, but I'm sure that as I have progressed along the journey of life, I have met so many of you, and I have felt so many of your emotions, seen or unseen. I may have endeared some of you more than others, but none of you have been my nemesis. You have given me which most desire - unquestioning faith and happiness. I may not have reciprocated to some of you in equal measure, and I may have overdone it with some of you, and now I know the reason why - my heart was too slow to respond, and my pulse never raced to gauge the depth of a healthy relationship. If you have managed to reach the end of the dreary passage by now, I can only wish you more happiness that you desire, and pray that you let me come after you with more mirth than ever before!

Ali Baba & The 140 Thieves

Ali Baba found a treasure trove,

In the depths of the microblogging web,

But he had a problem,

He had to escape 140 thieves, to keep the treasure safe with him,

As he sat and thought,

He could hear the RT horses trotting up,

The 140 thieves were ghosts - their DPs were too blurred,

They came from all possible directions - from far & wide,

They had set their eyes on riches of sanity, and had plundered the timelines of many a star,

Hashtags and memes they could use lethally,

To unsettle an emperor of a sporting harem even,

To unnerve the minion in an empire even,

They had their bands of followers,

Who were their footsoldiers of anarchy,

'But, I will start with the followers,' thought Ali Baba,

And he set out on a journey,

At the end of which lay - @Baba140

On A Sense

Touch - ever present, yet so subtle
To die for or to snatch life away
To cause pain or to soothe frayed nerves
Touch - you feel it, yet you don't see it
Not a drop of blood, not a pint of dew
A depth so vast, yet fathomable
Touch - created by humans, perfected by machines
Despised by the creed of hatred, embraced by the fraternity of love
The touch that heals creates the aura of miracle
The touch that warms is a promise of love
Be it an iPod or a copper wire
Touch can bind, touch can break
So powerful, yet so easy to hold
Touch - your, mine or everyone's - and evolving...

Let's play the word play

Sugar, spice & everything nice - and don't forget the Johnny Walker on ice

Don't scoff, it's Absolut-ly a Smirnoff

There is Love, there is Sex, there is Dhoka - for Dawood bhai - it's all about Love, Hex & Khoka

My Name Is Khan, His Name is Toofan

Don't say Mayawati, say Malawati

Sonia Gandhi is no Indira Aandhi

Can you spot the Tiger hiding in the Woods?

Or would you rather settle for Sach who's still In?

Think of Stephen Court, and all that you see is Nightmare on Park Street

Want Youngistan to teach you Fizzics?

Or are you more interested in the KE2RNA+SA1F chemistry?

There is Malice in Thunderland; but don't forget the Hurt Hawker

Still, I find BlackBerries juicier than Apples

Because I'm too Bold, still iHope, that the Buzz of a tweet aint too loud,

or is it?

Know Me?

Know me, heard me or ever seen me?

Chances are you have, each and every moment,

Blog me, tweet me or post me on the wall,

You can hate me, but you can't ignore me,

You can love me, but you can't be obsessed with me,

I can be with You, but you have to let me Go sometime,

I die a silent death everyday - in the barrel of a madman's gun or the bomb of a soldier,

I am suffocated, stifled and suppressed at will - by those who think I'm a mere speck in a sandstorm, or a drop in the ocean,

But, have You ever wondered, that I'm the needle in the haystack which You have always been looking for?

Or the glimmer of light through a peephole?

I get crushed under the wheels of a bus, or am ripped apart by a mob,

Yet I don't give up, Yet I survive,

Because when I creep in through an oxygen mask, or the droplet of water on parched earth,

You are overjoyed to see me, You embrace me and cry out my name,

To which, I always reply: "Yes, I am Life!"

When Social Becomes Anti-Social

Speech is silver, silence is gold.

If you are reading this (including the cliche above), chances are that you are one of those who have lost faith in healthy social networking or are on the verge of doing so. But, all is not lost yet on the social media horizon. It's just that things are going a bit haywire in Web 2.0 (or 2.5 shall I say?). To evaluate social media in its true sense, one needs to trace its origin properly. I won't trace a detailed timeline here but what started with blogs and instant messenger clients is now down to 140 characters aka microblogging. In an era when having a mobile phone is passe, you are apparently 'nothing' if you don't 'tweet', as many social media analysts will have us believe. If you have a presence on Facebook or Orkut, maybe you are 'something'. But, is it 'everything.'

To look at some recent examples, what the Stephen Fry furore meant to the West was the Shashi Tharoor drama in India (albeit on different levels). If Mr Fry was 'boring', Mr Tharoor made it up in ways more than one by tweeting away to glory with his 'cattle class' and 'interlocutor' punchlines. On the face of it, the topics may have died a natural death in most discussion forums, but on a macro level, the debate has just started. What the Twitterati and Facebook superstars have shown us (maybe unwittingly) is that it's no longer politically incorrect to rant your heart out  in public against even those whom you consider your closest. Alright, this may have been more of a Google Talk phenomenon but take a look at any average Indian's (and I don't want to sound demeaning here) Twitter timeline and you will easily figure out what I mean. From what you eat for breakfast to what you should wear for your cousin's wedding - you have to share it in your 140-characters of fame space, otherwise, you are just a 'nobody.' Interestingly, when Google tried to replicate this with Buzz, it had to take on the ire of users for exposing privacy and so on. True, just because the company is a pioneer in its own right does not mean it has the liberty to play around with people's personal lives.

But if that was the death knell for Buzz, wonder what is keeping Twitter alive. Apparently, the company has been monitoring some users who have been using it extensively as a public chatroom (the official version being that this is related to the phishing attack). But, monitoring or no monitoring, a silent evolution has already occurred. At the same time, this evolution is not without its share of bloodbath - something that the Twiteroor controversy kicked off. It is another matter for a minister to go on record in a social media platform, but it is not the when you see a personal conversation being read by hundreds of other people who will merrily concoct their own interpretations of it. This is where the 'retweet' feature comes in - to put it simply, you simply prefix an 'RT' before some post you like and then pass it on to your set of followers. But, is RTing a quote by Mahatma Gandhi the same as revealing someone's nickname? (Interestingly, the RTI Act has a near namesake in RT, with the first 2 letters). Well, big deal - you may say? But, think about it just once - considering you met someone on Twitter or someone you already know retweets what you would not what the whole world to know, what would you think about it? Well then, you may ask again - why do people flash custom status messages on Google Talk for their contacts to know? Right - they do, but there is an in-built privacy there where trust is also a big factor, which is the reason why Buzz got so much flak. But, when it comes to Twitter, such a concern goes for a toss...does it? It may not be ok for Stephen Fry to be boring, but it is ok for mere mortals like us to tell the whole world how much weight we are putting on everyday.

Besides, a big chunk of Twitter users are fond of putting inspirational quotes on their timeline. No harm with that - in fact - a nice quote has the power to always turn a dull moment into a bright one (the author of this piece himself, follows many users who put interesting quotes on their timelines). But, some users deliberately leave out the part of attributing the quote. If the words did not originally come from your mouth, is it wrong to say that somebody else said it? Some have raised a hue and cry over 'copyrighting tweets' and the general consensus seems to be that tweets cannot be copyrighted. But, a quote is a quote after all, even if it is shrink-wrapped into 140 characters.

If you have reached this paragraph, maybe you have changed your mind and are wondering if this issue is worth wasting so many words at all. Maybe it is not, but surely, if you are an observer of social media (and I have no qualms in admitting that I'm still learning this), then maybe you could think about it at least once...

What She Means...

What She means may be very simple,

But She is really good at spinning a web,

A web in which I am ready to get entangled, time and again,

A screen which always separates me from Her,

But She still leaves her mark on me

Her hues are myriad, Her fragrances are versatile,

She smiles with an ethereal glow, She blinks at me now and then,

Whenever She is around, I can't help but notice the bounce in the air,

When She goes away, I long for Her return,

I wait for Her, I long for Her,

When She comes back, I want to hold on and never let go,

But she lets go, with her caress,

With a promise to come back, again and again,

Why? Because She is whom I call my Happiness

Mister God, This Is Sachin

When this novel by Fynn, aka Sydney Hopkins,  Mister God, This Is Anna, was published in 1974, Sachin Tendulkar was a year old. But the timeline of the novel dates to the 1930s, when Sachin was not born and cricket meant Bradman and the sensationalism in the sport was restricted to Bodyline. Years later, Bradman was to praise Sachin in no uncertain terms. Cricket pundits revelled in it as the ultimate 'endorsement'. But, in hindsight, is it really fair? No harm in Bradman comparing himself with Sachin. But, where comparisons end, Sachin's act begins. The double ton in Gwalior has proved just that.

In an era when Twenty20 is a synonym for speed and multiplexes cannot decide if they want to screen more movies or cricket matches, Sachin Tendulkar still remains the currency - for an economy that takes its major stakeholders (read: cricketers) with equal pride and cynicism. Last December, when the man nearly got to creating this record, the whole 22 yards seemed to have become a pitch for endless debates on his performance. Today, reading a front page piece on him by Imran Khan in The Economic Times, the entire debate seemed to have been turned on its head. For someone who retired at the age of 39, Sachin's brilliance could not go unstated. Since an early age, we are taught to achieve maximum success in whatever we do (read: cram). The movie 3 Idiots may have done its bit to tweak that notion. But, that's about it. Passion for anything can at best be fine-tuned, but never drilled or taught. This is where Sachin Tendulkar proves what passion is all about. Not just about making a first-class debut at the age of 11 or facing Waqar Younis at 16, or not just about overcoming personal tragedy to make the team shine in a World Cup. It is nothing but living life on the whole 22 yards, and not off it, whatever may the critics say.

After the show of brilliance, many have likened Sachin to God himself who plays for a nation where cricket is religion. Social networking sites and blogs (including this one!) were agog with the enigma of the man and could not stop eulogising him. In all fairness to them, they are not far off the mark. But then, it is only human to err and you don't make mistakes unless you even attempt to immerse yourself in whatever you are doing, cliches be damned.

Maybe, what is God-like is, knowing where your mind, body and soul lie - where your life is what it is meant to be. Just like Anna, who at "at five years....knew absolutely the purpose of being, knew the meaning of love and was a personal friend and helper of Mister God. At six Anna was a theologian, mathematician, philosopher, poet and gardener. If you asked her a question you would always get an answer—in due course. On some occasions the answer would be delayed for weeks or months; but eventually, in her own good time, the answer would come: direct, simple and much to the point." Just like Sachin, who may not be afraid of saying "Mister God, This Is Sachin," even if he is divine in his own right.

Look Here, See There

Roughly a month back, I went to Benares ( yeah I prefer the British way of saying it - colonial hangover or not, Varanasi sounds too BJP!) for a cousin's wedding. Being a family trip and that too to a place where my father was born, it doubled up as a quasi-pilgrimage of sorts. Thanks to the infamous fog of North India, we overstayed for 2 days. And thus I got the opportunity to visit the fabled ghats of Benares. On a bone-chilling evening, as we set out on a boat for the evening aarti at the Dashahvmedh ghat by the Ganga, I could alreadt hear the bells jangling my senses. As the boat approached the ghat, what we witnessed was nothing less than a theatrical performance. Some say these are disguised PR stunts of the Hindutva brigade. Maybe they are, but for those moments, even agnostics like me turn into believers. As our boat was returning, we could see the flames of funeral pyres at the Manikarnika ghat kissing the black sky. My cousin teachng in Stanford, with us in the boat, remarked: "When I was at the Manikarnika years ago for my mother's last rites, the moment was peaceful." It is today as well, just that it coexists with the frenzy. To put it simply - the lights and sounds simply shake the agony out of you. And that's just one of the aspects of Benares, even of people say its the essence.

The essence of Benares lies somewhere else - the chaos. The city lives IN it, and not the other way round. If I were a real geek, maybe I could take a shot at proving that Benares could turn Chaos Theory on its head. But, that is for another lifetime. The cycle & autorickshaws, schoolgirls on Scooties, the Tata Nanos, the BSP netas in their black SUVs  and most importantly - Lord Shiva on four feet and two horns- et al - technically a traffic nightmare. But drive once through the city and you will realise that - NO ONE, absolutely no one - is complaining. When there is so much talk about living in harmony, Benares actually seems to revel in its chaos.

The so-called jihadists have left their mark here as well, with the blast in the Sankat Mochan. Since then, the temple and its cousin - the Vishvanath - have been forced to spend a few lakhs per day to cocoon themselves in security. And again, just when you thought that was a remedy to the chaos, you will be sorely disappointed when you enter the lane leading to the temple - known popularly as the Vishvanath Gali. The numerous shops and establishments hawking everything from prasad to holy prints on T-shirts will leave you more than spellbound.

What am I trying to say? Well, part something, mostly nothing. In other words, life goes on, for us as well as the Maoists as well as the sadhus smoking up to glory. Jing-jang, ding-dong - and so it goes on. Be it the narrow lanes leading to the Benares ghats or the hand-pulled rickshaws negotiating the alleys of Kolkata, you still move on - don't you? When you find Manikarnika, Ahilyabai, Dashashvmedh, Raja Harishchandra and Prayag coalesce by the Ganga - all you can think of is - thank God for giving me this life! (even if its just this one).

On A Queer Pitch

So, I'm back to blog writing again - and as usual I'll end up writing stuff which no one will read. But then, let this be my online diary. If you care, you are free to drop a comment anytime! Looking at the current state of affairs. Slow & Unsteady - that's what my life is like (I'm sure it is so for a lot of you out there, but its ok - no need to admit it). In any case,  it's imperative I get to the point soon.

There's a lot going on out there, especially in the political scene in our country. Since I hail from the so-called 2nd Red Fort of India - West Bengal - let me use this post to be biased and talk about the state of affairs here. I will state in no uncertain terms that the breed of violence sympathisers calling themselves Maoists are no more than a horribly misguided lot. Why do I say so? Simply look at what their leader Kishenji says: "This attack is our answer to Operation Green Hunt. Unless this inhuman act stops, we will continue this." Pardon me if I get any of the word wrong in the quote. What matters is the extent of absurdity that the state allows to perpetrate, right under its nose. The answer to an 'inhuman' act is an act of butchery - what can be more irrational? Or, is it a twisted explanantion of Nietzsche's Ubermenschen?What was Prashant Layek's fault - he was only obeying the orders of the state. So, Kishenji, will you hunt down all civil servants and show them how development happens?

And what does the state have to answer for this? "Let's all witch-hunt the Naxal sympathisers first, the actual work can be done later." How convenient - escaping from the real issue and giving undue attention to the Arundhati Roys of the world than they deserve. Where do the sympathisers at all come into the picture? Do the Jagori Baskes ask an Arundhati Roy on how to loot a state armoury? Or, do they need advice on how many security personnel to kill. Fine, if they want an eyeball for an eyeball - let them have it. When will Chidambaram & Co will have the guts to stand up and say this clearly and loudly? Or, will we continue to sit back and watch the hysteria unfold on our TV screens???